Wedding Bell Hell?

Trying to plan a wedding on virtually no budget and without much substantial help, i.e.; wedding planner, m.o.b./m.o.g., and only a maid of honor to really bounce ideas off of at the moment, is rather stressful and difficult for me. Granted, I have more than a year to pull this off, and by that time may have a job with which to contribute to the minimal budget, but still. It's hard. I don't mean to complain, I actually enjoy the process of it..what gets me is not being able to talk it over with anyone at all. 
I mean normally moms get excited for their daughters when they are getting married. They go all crazy and stuff with the planning and dress shopping, shoe shopping and what not. Not my mom. I get the feeling that she would be more enthusiastic if I said I wanted to marry a cat. Really, and actual cat, fur and all, instead of being at least happy for me that I've found someone I want to and can spend the rest of my life with. Is it too much to ask for her to be happy at least? Was it this hard for her when she got engaged and married? I mean honestly, it couldn't have been because even her grandma liked "Worm" which was my dad, Warren. She couldn't say his name correctly.
Anyway maybe I should get over myself and stop with the pity party and get to the being happy and care free? Or maybe I should wallow in my thoughts and emotions while I ponder deep things like the meaning of life, and why the sky is blue or grass is green. Perhaps I shouldn't even bother involving her, save for the fact that I love her, and I want her to be part of this happy time for me. I know growing up I've given her a lot of grief and misery in various times, formats, shapes, and colors, but we're family and family means that we'll always love and support each other right?
No matter what family is defined as anywhere, I feel like that is a true statement about what family should be like, whether or not you are related at all.
I guess what I am trying to get at is how hurt I feel that people I didn't even know until almost three years ago are more supportive of my relationship than my own family. My flesh and blood treat my engagement like a dirty family secret that shouldn't get brought up at all unless its for the bare minimum of details on the family, if it gets brought up at all. Eric's family would through a huge party for us if they had the money. I don't see how that makes any sense at all, that two families who love the separate parties involved can't even get together completely for even two hours. There is just something wrong with this. I know all weddings and marriages and mixed families don't always get along well, sometimes even at all, but shouldn't they at least try? My future mother in law is intimidated by my mom because my mom doesn't say much when she isn't comfortable/in a situation she feels in control of. My dad just doesn't want to get to know anybody at all, not even in my parents small group. He would rather stay home and play computer games or watch Netflix, which Eric pays for.
Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take living in a house with people who don't even appreciate what my fiance does. He may not do much but he does more than I do and that is a fact. He cooks and cleans when he can, and he pays for everything he uses. He sits and listens to everyone else complain about one thing or another and doesn't give input that makes anyone angry. I sit there and fume and do as I'm told because I am afraid that if I don't I will get us kicked out and without a place to stay. I am afraid to say what I think and feel, which is not like me at all. I am afraid to do those things because I don't like seeing the look on peoples faces when I talk about what they don't want to hear. What Eric did today. How crazy things got at work for him that night. What colors I should pick for the wedding. Who should be in the bridal party. What OUR plans are for school and what not. I can't say any of it because nobody wants to listen or care, or take the time to hear from me that no, I am not converting to anything at all anytime ever. But they all regal anyone who will listen about how stubborn I am and how bullheaded I can be, and how you can't make me do anything I don't want to and that if you tell me "no" I MAKE it a "yes". Can they not see the correlation between how I will and will not make my decisions and choices, and live my life? Or has age blinded them to the inferno that is my will and pride and stubbornness?

Not sure about what to do.

So for those of you who maybe haven't been keeping up with the Life & Times of Miss Myra Dawn, here are the quick facts you need to know: 1. I am still in college in SM, 2. I have been engaged since Christmas Eve of last year; 2011, 3. I am madly in love with my honey and can't imagine my life without him now. I think that pretty much covers the basics. Now for the details.
I'm not sure how many of you know this, but Eric and I have known each other since Junior High and although we did not always keep in touch throughout the years we hit it off in college and had a good friendship. Our friendship lasted about a year before we started to really get to know each other better, then we dated for a year and one month, at which point we became engaged. We've now been engaged for almost six months and we're hoping to plan the wedding for next June. The twenty-first to be exact. 
I know, I know, this is where most of you will begin to say slow down, and think a bit, hand US the reigns for a while and really try to understand what you're saying! But we are thinking about it and we understand the implications of our choices. We both know that it seems fast, and too soon, and do we really, REALLY know what we are getting ourselves into? To that I say both yes, and no. Yes we know what we are saying we want to to, and we know that it isn't easy, no matter how much you love each other or spend time together or talk or any of that. Lifetime commitment is difficult and trying and worth every tear shed, and every drop of sweat you put into it to make it work when it seems like it can't. And no we don't know what we're doing either. Who does? You can read every book in the world, but if you don't go out and find out for yourself, are you really gaining anything? If you don't risk things for knowledge or love or faith, how can you say that you have lived any kind of life at all?
I understand that we are young, have no clue about anything in the world, and will probably attempt to kill each other more than once over nothing because we were too tired, too stressed out, or not thinking clearly enough. I do that everyday at home with my family. The only difference here would be that we aren't related by blood. And really, don't you do the same thing to your friends, who are generally considered people you love and care about? I suppose that is beside the point though, because all the people that matter and want a say in it will tell me that we should wait, not to rush, we have our whole lives ahead of ourselves. I know that and Eric knows that, but sometimes life doesn't care if you are too young or too old, or have missed the only opportunity you will ever get for something, it just goes on unconcerned with what goes on in and around it because it simply is. I am envious of life and time because they have no worries or cares and there is nothing that constrians them at all.
I am sure that my parents, and grandparents, and everyone in my extended family, and people at church mean well and want the best for me but it is also my life, to do with what I will; whether that be making a career of saving animals or teaching students or running my own shop or writing novels, but I can also choose to do nothing, be nothing, and do what people who have no motivation do. I could get married or stay single, be a stay at home mom, or single mother, live off the government or become a junkie. I could travel the world and not tie down to anyone or anything, or I could become a missionary in the jungles of South America, or even become a famous artist in the music business. But I feel like I can't make any of those decisions without offending some number of people because I didn't listen or take their advice. And I don't think that I should feel that way when the people who make me feel that way are the ones I consider myself to have close relationships with. None of these people though, are outside of my family or soon to be family. Is it so wrong of me to want to make my own decisions even if they are foolish and might be wrong, or if they aren't wrong entirely, just a little bit senseless and made by a young woman still figure out her way in life? 
Maybe I am foolish and too young to be getting married next year, but it is my life and anyone that has tried to make me do anything I didn't want to knows that when I want something bad enough, or desperately enough it happens. Likewise with things I don't want to do. They just don't happen. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am trying to find the courage to tell my parents and those around me that this is what I want and they can either go along with it and support me, or gripe and complain the whole way while I drag them along the road. It's taken me a long time to get back to being that passionate and feisty young thing I used to be that could wreak havoc across an entire home in about ten minutes, but I'm coming back to it, because that is a part of me and who I am, and it will help me make the tough decisions I need to make for the next few years of my life. Hopefully I will have people who love and support me along the way because I know I will need it. Sorry to sound like a petty little girl trying to get her way, but thank you for reading and I hope you read again soon!

On Spring Cleaning and Other Such Stuff

I realize that I haven't posted anything for two months but I don't often get an urge to tell the world about my day, because it is usually the most boring thing you will ever read. That is beside the point though. Today I am going to talk about my room. I've cleaned it and I have a new bed (yay!!) but it still is not how I would like it to be, there is a lot of clutter that I can't get rid of because I have no place to filter any of it while I arrange and rearrange everything so I can utilize what little storage space I do have. What I mean to say is, I have no where to put most of my clothes because I have no where to put my stuff; knick knacks and dolls and stuffed animals and books that don't fit in my book case...things like that. And the topper on this cake? I could put a bunch of stuff in my closet in different ways (just look up closet storage and things like that) but I would need to take my doors off. My dad doesn't want me to take them off. I don't know why, but he said it was because we have no room to put them, I know that's a lie. Besides that I don't think he really wants me to be able to do anything useful with my room. Everything I want to do with it is nothing he wants to see done to it, so because I want to do it so desperately, I am not allowed. I don't see why I can't move my furniture around and maximize my closet space so that there is more space for me to work with in my room. I would be making something that I could be proud of for organization skills, decisiveness, creativity, and just that fact that I'm not complaining about not having anywhere to put my stuff. So it would make sense and seem reasonable to let me do that rather than listening to me complain and complain and complain right? Maybe I'm the only one that sees that so I'm talking to myself here, but couldn't I be on to something?

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-01-05/living/mhi.organize.your.closets_1_hangers-sweaters-closet?_s=PM:LIVING
http://www.myhomeideas.com/healthy-home/organizing-cleaning/how-to-organize-closet-10000001747241/

Nothing since January? Really?

Well that will not do. I cannot possibly have let myself go for so long without my connection to the other world that is the internet and telling absolutely everyone about all my problems. That is beside the point though, because I have some fabulously amazing news for you all.
Hopefully you all have some form of cable and are aware of what shows are on air right now and such. I have been watching NBC's The Voice for the last season and a half and have been encouraged to audition for a place in the blind auditions and I am going to do exactly that. On the 31st of March (the end of this month) Eric and I and one of his coworkers will be driving to L.A. to do the first round of auditions and I am very excited! Not only will we be doing that but in this upcoming week I will be on a local radio station for what I believe is an interview and a preview of my audition. 
How did I manage to land myself on the radio station you ask? Like this: Eric and I were driving to school this morning and I was in the passenger seat. On the radio comes this segment "Riddle Me This" and it asked what 3 in 10 people aged 25-35 have done or will do in the next year. Eric prompted me to call in and guess what it might be much to my displeasure. Despite my protesting I call in anyway and put forth the guess that they will get a tattoo. I guessed wrong but my answer segued into if I had a tattoo, what it was, and where. From that for those of you who know what my tattoo is and where you will find it amusing that I was asked if I was a musician. I am in a way but when I hear the word musician I do not assimilate it with someone who sings. I see them as a vocalist, still a musician, but not what I generally think of upon hearing the word. 
At telling the DJs that I sing they asked if I could sing them something and if I knew about The Voice and that they had some connections to one of the coaches and that they could possibly have an in for me in someway to a possible career (at least that was what I inferred from what I heard, not totally sure). Hearing that i said I would be going to L.A. at the end of the month for the first auditions and they said they would like to have me in the studio before (assuming) I become famous so they can have the "We knew here when" claim. I laughed and said of course I could come in and we set up an appointment to be on the show during the 8 o'clock hour. For those of you who would like to or can, you can listen in on 102.5 FM locally or tune in online at www.sunnycountry.com. I'll be on the Jay & Niki show and you'll get to hear me get all flustered and sing and be myself on the radio instead of just in person or on Facebook. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

Well, well, well.

For those of you who have not heard yet, yes, I am now engaged. I had planned on blogging about this all earlier but many a circumstance happened (as it always does when I actually get time to blog about anything since cracking my screen last year) and I was taken away from the page to rant and rave and cry about quite a few things. What those are you will surely find out if you keep reading. =]
First: on my engagement and surrounding stories. It was a rather out of the blue moment for me, where I knew something was happening but I wasn't quite sure of what. The day had started in my family getting together and going down for my cousin's birthday breakfast in Santa Barbara with Eric in tow, Eric and I in my car because he had said he wanted to go on a date in town after we had finished presents at my cousin's house. We didn't go on a date in town, though we got directions to State street and upon driving through realized how daffy it would have been to try and do anything even remotely un-stressful while there. So. We drove back up to Santa Maria and drove through town and at the Main Street exit I had to blindfold myself (I know right? Honestly...) while Eric drove me around to get a "turkey" for Christmas dinner for his mom as he had said. I didn't quite believe him, but being blindfolded and not wanting to ruin the surprise I made sure I really couldn't see. I believed we had turned into the Von's parking lot and that he actually had gotten a turkey. The parking lot in question had actually been for Rose of Sharon and after leaving with said "turkey" we went to the gas station on Main and Benwiley's and then proceeded to drive through town to confuse me and onto the northbound 101 on the Donovan on ramp. I guessed it had been that one though Eric lied and said that no, we were on the 1 north and not the 101 and because I only drive the 101 anywhere ever, I wasn't sure and so believed him that it just might have been an on ramp to the 1 north. 
By now I'm guessing that 1 or 101 we are going to Shell Beach and that we will just spend the afternoon watching the tide come in and collecting anything that looks interesting and somewhat different much like we did on our anniversary at Oceano Beach while collecting sand dollars of every size and color.
Well, while we're driving he asks if Pismo Beach is before or after Shell Beach, and now I'm completely confused and thinking maybe he is taking me to the Mothership for another piercing, or to get some new jewelery. I have no idea what is going on at all. So I slowly say "Well I think Pismo is before but I'm not sure..did you look at the signs?" I don't get much of a response but I figure it was something like "Oh yeah..uh okay. Um..well okay." We keep driving and finally we park and because I have a rather visual memory I was guessing that we were at Shell Beach. Eric stops the car and gets out then opens the door beside me and helps me out. I don't want to say that I have bad hearing, because I don't, I just rely entirely too much on my sight to really use my other senses without it. If I went blind I would be utterly useless. Anyway, Eric helps me out of the car and we walk (I'm still blindfolded mind you. Have been this whole time.) to the grass near the gazebo and Eric has me take off my blind fold. I didn't realize that at some point he had gotten the rose he had bought at Rose of Sharon out of the car and slipped the ring over the leaf stem but he had..and as I take off my blindfold and blink a few times to clear my vision, he takes the rose from behind his back and gives it to me.
Now I have to tell you, I'm not always the most observant but this time, seeing as I was rather deprived of my most useful sense, I was. I don't even gibe Eric time to ask the question, I just start tearing up and I jump towards him almost sending us both off the cliff just feet behind him and I can't help myself I just keep crying hysterically. It's not the kind of crying where your sad or your angry or anything like that, it's the happy, "I can't believe this is happening to me" or the "Extreme Home Makeover built me a new house!" kind of tears. The ones that you can't help but find cute, but you still wish you could stop because tears do not compute with what guys know how to deal with well. 
So without even a chance to breath let alone process we look at each other, grinning like fools and kiss. Then Eric slips the ring off the rose and onto my ring finger..on my right hand. I only notice this after we start walking towards the steps to the beach and I go to look at it and I don't see it on the correct hand. I laugh and ask if he meant to do that and he laughs nervously and admits he was nervous and didn't even realize he had done that. While we're walking towards the beach after putting the ring on the correct hand a lady in her car yells through the window "You two look good together!". We both blush and smile and thank her and keep walking our way. All in all we had a wonderful date together and it was one of the sweetest things Eric has done for me. And I know this is awfully forgetful of me, but did I mention this was Christmas Eve day? Well it was. Yes. And we told both our families the next day, since Eric spent the day with my family and I spent the evening with his family.
If that was a little difficult to follow I am sorry, I am not very good at narrating what goes on in my life, just reporting on it I suppose. And now it is almost time for school again. The job search continues. I am in a hopeful position where I may become employed at Motel 6 as a clerk (front desk) but my chances are slowly diminishing with each passing day. :( But alas, I am sure there is something out there I can do that will pay my something for showing up on time when it is that I get scheduled to work so long as I don't miss school. I think. If not, I can still move out then claim myself on all financial aid forms and be homeless and collecting money for school..or just stay poorly equiped for it because my family (whose tax information I am REQUIRED to use... >.<) makes too much money for me to get the state waiver for tuition and too much money for federal financial aid but doesn't make enough to put me through even community college full time. Is it just me or is there something perversely wrong about that?
In other news I read and finished a really great and amazing book today that I had been wanting to read since my mom picked it up. I read Heaven is For Real and I found it to be absolutely uplifting and emotionally captivating. I read through all 27 chapters and I laughed, I cried, I thought more than I normal do when I read anything, even nonfiction. This book is by far the best thing I have read because it is so raw and real and believable. Granted I know there are some who can read scientific fact and still say it isn't true. And that is fine, I just am happy to know I am more open minded than that. Reading everything in this book is a little bit out there for some but I think it is just what others need to get a grip on what really is going on, or how their life is really going. I really don't know what else to say but that you should read it because it is amazing and wonderful and I want to buy a copy of my own to lend out to friends because it is that good. Most of you who read this know I only buy books if I intend to keep them. So let that mean something to you, that I would want this book in my collection. On my shelf with all of my fiction and my dictionaries and thesauruses. In many languages. =] Yes. If  you want any info on the book you can look here: http://heavenisforreal.net/ or here: https://www.facebook.com/heavenisforreal or you can Google it and look for the nearest location to purchase it at to you. =] Enjoy and happy reading until I blog again!

Hmmmmm And a Matter of Displacement

The last few months, I guess six I'll say-just to cover it, have left me feeling sort of displaced and confused. I feel like I've lost my sense of time and of reality even. I guess I'm just sort of freaked out at how out of touch I feel because I almost never see my mom anymore. She's always so good about it and I know its hard for her too but I wish that there was some way to make this situation easier, and less like a bunch of children trying to run a boot camp for mentally challenged people. It's so frustrating having to give up my home life because a pair of 18 year old's think it's their right to go out every night until after two, leave a messy house and a sink full of dishes along with five kids and all their friends running around like hyper chickens with their heads cut off. But if I stay home and see my family and have a normal life, my boyfriend gets treated like shit by everyone but his aunt, and all the credit for everything he's done goes to the girls who stayed out all night partying for two weeks straight. And while his older brother is in and out of the picture, he isn't there often enough to be considered a real help at all. I also feel like if I don't come help him, he'll get yelled at for trying to have a life because he isn't allowed to have one because of these just turned adults who "know everything so shut the hell up Eric". I don't know what to do and everything I think of is too complicated or just doesn't work out and I think that I'm going to drive myself crazy trying to keep Eric from getting lied about and keep these kids in line. Honestly I need some help and  long week or two without them around while Eric's at my house doing normal people stuff. ~>.<~

A Whirlwind of a Time in the Middle of a Storm

Yes, yes, I know that it is quite an interesting title with an interesting story to match. The last few months have been all over the place and up and down in almost every way possible. I'm not even sure where to start but I've got plenty to write down.
Whew. So Eric finally moved out of Crystal's house and is back home as well as myself. This didn't happen under the best circumstances and in someways that is better than if it had been under the best of the best circumstances. Although everyone's views differ in some way or another it doesn't mean that there is no way to coexist peacefully or at least without major events that lead to contrition. Mine and Eric's belief is that Crystal and her family don't exactly believe that is worthwhile even though it is what they continually preach to the people they surround themselves with. They are not bad people, or inherently evil in anyway, far from it, but they themselves do not accept every possible alternative because they have become comfortable in the way that they live and are content in how they live because they are unchallenged and in some ways, stagnant; as I know I myself can be and am also stagnant. 
I say stagnant because I find no better word for it. They do not have people in their lives that are of a differing opinion to the frequency, at least that I have seen, that would challenge and initiate growth of the person that some people I know do. This doesn't mean that they are wrong, just that they are less willing to acknowledge differing views and opinions than those people who are continually flitting about people with different political, social, religious, and economic views than themselves. I know this really sounds like I'm going off, and maybe I am, but I feel like saying this because if you are truly accepting of the people who walk into your life you will try your best to understand their problems and shortcomings rather than try to rectify their specific issues that displease or upset you. 
Crystal and her mother didn't exactly give this courtesy to Eric for things he could not change about himself, having had some of these issues since birth, and I know Eric feels that they could have handled themselves better, but he also conceded to me that he could have dealt better with all situations that had occurred had they not been so pressing emotionally. Also while finishing moving out he was being harried for rent because he had promised it at one point in time that he did not realize he would not be able to accomplish due to circumstances with work. It was offensive to him and his mother, as well as me, to be sworn at on the phone because of things he couldn't control while he was still trying his hardest to fulfill his duties, despite his mother's differing opinion that he should take his things and leave without paying his last months rent. He did not pay full rent but paid more than half because he was so upset over the things that had occurred during that process and because the amount of food he was allotted was considerably less than the money he was putting for for it tied in with his rent. This upset Crystal and her mother, but nonetheless it is what happened and cannot be changed. 
Upon Eric's decision to move out and back home he asked me if I had wanted to salvage a relationship with Crystal and her mother, and I had said I did. Now I cannot in good faith say that, because as much as they supported Eric by giving him somewhere to live, they didn't understand his reasons for leaving either his home in the first place, and his leaving them at this point in time.  Crystal has been my friend since high school and I don't want to lose her in this manner, but I know that we are all different people and the people in our lives do not always stay forever, there a seasons for the Earth, and there a seasons for people too. Perhaps our season is ending, even as Eric's season in my life is just beginning, but I don't want to look on this time in my life as wasted, or a sour note in a beautiful symphony of life. I want to remember this as a sharp note that gives me something to think on from time to time, something to learn from and grow better I hope, instead of remain in my current state of mind from which I can not gain much more.
I do not mean to say that I do not want to be friends with her anymore, just that there are things that we both need to change about ourselves on our own time and in our own ways, without influencing or trying to dictate how the other should go. That is a difficult thing to do, much less to hear, read, or say to or from another person but it is, I believe, what needs to happen if things are to remain good between us. Aside from this I am listening to Eric, my father and my mother all talking about church and religion and politics and it has definitely made it difficult to concentrate on this. But it is also enlightening and makes me feel more at home than I have felt in quite awhile. 
For most of you who read my blog, you know that my boyfriend, Eric, is Mormon and that I myself am Presbyterian. This is a point of contention between our families and there is no easy way to go about anything to deal with this between Eric and my family, or vice versa. I know this puts me in a rather precarious position of my life considering where I am and what my own plans for my future are, as well as Eric's for his future, and how our parents feel or wish our futures, combined or otherwise, should go. So, as a person of faith and someone who generally is inquisitive, if you would, or feel compelled to, please give me your opinion on anything mentioned in this blog, or any others. Any/everybody is welcome to give input but please keep it relevant to this or my other blogs. Your words are much appreciated and thank you for bearing with me through my harebrained and difficult to understand posts. Hope to hear from some of you, and I will post again soon hopefully! Happy reading!