Tuesday, October 17, 2017

It's the most...intense time of the year.

And so begins the mad rush of frenzied shoppers eager to get spoiled children their rotten heart's desires.... I mean, October. Since when did Christmas and other wintertime holiday's begin before their actual season? I heard this morning on the news (Today Show) that the Hallmark channel will be premiering 67 days of Christmas movies. I love Christmas, and Halloween is my favorite, but I see no reason other than capitalistic gain. -Sigh- Anyway, this is the time of year where things get really complicated for me emotionally. This is always a time of upheaval, and this year is proving to be no exception.
Since I was a child at only six years old, something significant has happened during the holidays. One of my grandfather's passed on a Christmas Eve, one grandma passed on an Election day in November, my other grandma passed two days before her birthday, and last year....my mother in law passed just before Thanksgiving after her youngest son was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. 
And what happened over this weekend? One of the other boys is in the hospital for the same thing. I'm not saying that things will always happen during this time, and I'm not drawing parallels (yet). But that these always happen between my birthday and the end of the year has not escaped my notice either. There were years, from the time I was six until I was 21 where nothing happened more than some slight financial problems that I wasn't aware of because I was still growing and learning. I am so happy that nothing major happened during those formative years, but it didn't make losing the people I love and watching others in pain any easier.
Add to this that Eric has been going through some things at work that are unfair and are directly affecting how we get by, we are still trying. We were down to one vehicle, and at the same time, my sister in law wrecked her car (in the middle of a pile-up she had no control over) and we began to share between the three of us. Then Eric was able to pay down enough on a motorcycle he wanted and is using that to get to work, but my sister and I are still sharing. Our car was in an accident nearly 3 months, 6, sometime that I can't remember because so much has happened since then. The accident was my fault, we have a shop ready and waiting for us to pull up, but both of us need to get to different places and life doesn't work around anyone's convenient schedule.
Maybe I just felt the need to vent and complain, but I also wanted to make you all aware, in case you didn't know yet. Life isn't fair, and sometimes it really sucks. Like, a lot. But if you have the right people around you, you can get through it. Thankfully our family is there for us, and we are there for them. We have amazing friends that are there for us as well. I know I can be pessimistic and sound defeated, but I would ask that you all remember, the last seven years have been the best and most tumultuous of my life, and I haven't lived that long. Thank you all for reading and listening to my complaints and updates. Thank you for understanding.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Oh, say, can you...blog?

So, it hasn't been a year yet. I think I'm on to a good start. I say that as I'm listening to AFI in the background and attempting to not procrastinate..on anything. Aside from the obvious fact that I am blogging, I think I'm doing well on that.
Back to business though, how was everyone's holiday? Happy day after independence day/4th of July everybody in the US! My day wasn't super eventful but it was still a good one and I am so grateful to have the friends I have, even if we don't talk often or about much more than catch up. I really do love you all and I hope you are doing well.
Eric worked yesterday and I did as well, but he worked until 11PM and I worked until 5. A friend came and shwooped me away (I know I need my own dictionary of false words. I would say I'm working on it, but honestly I'm not. Just lazy) to a BBQ at another friends house. We ate, watched a few small fireworks and played with sparklers then went to another get together and had fun before another friend brought me back home.
I know some of you would love to know how my life became so interesting. So I'll tell you. I'm awesome. Actually not really, and my life isn't that interesting, but I feel like it is to me and that is just fine. Even if the day to day things are monotonous and can drive me up the wall, I have colorful and amazing friends to lean on in every facet of my life. So I guess as much as I wanted to say "Happy 4th" I also wanted to remain thankful for the things I do have. A loving husband who works tirelessly to support us and make sure we are moving forward instead of back, a strong family on both sides, ready and willing to support our dreams and endeavours however possible. Add to that list, friends that are like family and know all the little quirks and oddities, but love me (us) anyway. Thank you for being there and supportive of my weirdness and just letting me rant to you through writing or in person, and for asking my opinion or advice because you actually think I'm capable of giving it. I appreciate all that you do, seen and unseen on the daily that keeps me going. Love you guys.

Friday, January 13, 2017

New Year, New....Nothing?

This is my first blog of the New Year and it comes remarkably quickly considering my tendency to postpone and forget about posting altogether. Anyway, hello all. Welcome to a new year full of the same things we had last year, but shiny and new looking due to renewed interest and polished political prowess/hatred. No, I'm not going to get political here, too much to tackle and too many people to offend (take that how you will) for me to even dream of it.

Back to my first blog in the first month of a brand new year. I sit here typing at a computer contemplating my life choices and the crossing paths that lie before me. So many things that I could do, and may do. So many things I have chosen to exclude myself from. So many hypothetical things. I need to make them real. To go from hypothetically eating better to actually eating better. To truly pushing myself instead of 'wanting' to push myself. I can't only want to exercise, I need to get up and do it.

I don't mean to sound motivational, for many of you that know me well, I can be far from that on a good day. For other's I will offer some insight as to my normal perspective on anything requiring more than a few seconds of decision. 'Hmmm maybe not then, that sounds like effort.' 'Nah, I don't want to exert myself today.' 'Mmmm, yeah, still not feeling it. It's not happening.'

Shout out to my lazy friends! On a more serious note, in this past year, and the nearly fifteen days of this new year, I have watched people I know succeed at their goals and felt left out. Upon this realization I took notice of why I would feel that way, and it hit me. I am not out there trying anything new. I am not out there experiencing the world, traveling, eating and straining to reach new heights. I am stagnant in what I do, and even if I do not have a "morning routine/ritual" my life is routine. Go to my volunteer place, put the time in, come home, wait for my husband and do housework, eat dinner, stay up too late, and start again the next day.

Not much of that differs at all. Occasionally we see friends or go to a movie, do something fun and different. Most of the time though, it's the same. In part it is because he works so much and if I could just fall into some money *cue long lost relative from who knows where, to randomly show up and bestow money upon us* **still waiting** I would use it to help push us along. Allow him to not work, or to work less and get through school so he can enjoy the work he does do rather than be a slave to it. I would also take it and ensure we could sustain ourselves, and I would hope to be able to help our family too, should they need it. But that is less likely to happen than all the normal, boring, typical things, so I'll keep some fingers or toes crossed.

I want to do a lot of things, but I am comfortable doing nothing, and having money fall in my lap won't change my attitude to acting on something. So I have to be a big girl and just get up and do it. My problem is that, to work on me, I have to sacrifice different things, and all of the things I need to sacrifice are things I'm not willing to let go. The time I spend with my husband which is precious enough to begin with. The time I like to myself when he is still working and I am home. Even if I am cleaning or prepping dinner I am having me time. Time I get to spend with friends, which is more rare than anything I've mentioned so far. I can make new friends, we can have the same goals, but I don't want to forget about the friends I already have, which is how it seems to go when you chase after a goal.

Some people might say, make your husband commit to things with you! That would be a great idea....if he didn't work between 40-75 hours a week depending on employees deciding to come to work or not. Plus getting extra time because no manager has yet been able to allow him to work a regular shift, since, well, ever. I know, I know, I sound like all I'm doing is complaining and you're damn right. I do a lot of that. I get so stuck in complaining because I never see it change. Growing up in a lower middle class family and watching my husband come from a poor family to create a lower-middle-middle class family unit together, it's desperately frustrating. Everything seems futile, and we have to delve into poverty to climb back out? Or just get lucky? We could be like countless others, and try to play the game and beat the system, but we are both too honest for that and too unlucky to pull it off. This life provides plenty of fodder for complaints and crying, but shaking myself out of it takes a lot, too.

It takes a better person than me to remind me of the good things I have, as opposed to all the bad I talk about. My husband is that person, and I am so very grateful for is love, support, and understanding for all the hell I put him through. I could not have found a better man to be married to and spend the rest of my life with. So it is for him I want to make these improvements. Myself as well, but because he makes me want to be a better version of me, and to attain the best I can, even if it scares me. He shows me how to walk into a room full of murderers and thieves completely terrified, and walk out the head of a new gang. Or a more PC and understandable example would be walking into a room of executives as someone looking for an entry level job, and walking out the CEO. Whichever example you find more entertaining or uplifting, yada yada.

Because he is able to do these things on a daily basis, I want to try to do them, too. Maybe I won't be able to daily, or even weekly, but I want to work toward that and set little goals for myself and see the improvement. I want to start a family and I want to have a good, rich life. Rich in family, friendship, and love. Full of people who understand and care for us, and who support us as a couple, and individuals. We may be two separate people, but we have built a life together and to suggest or demand that we need to do things apart to have a better life sounds ridiculous to me. It sounds like someone stuck in their own rut, offering advice they would never take and not wanting to truly change at all.

I know everything takes small steps to start, so I want to direct our lives with love. I want to love my husband and I into a better lifestyle, and better economic status. I want to love him into a career he can build on and will satisfy him. I want to love myself into the person I want to be. Into the shape and fitness I want to be. I need support from all sides though, and in some ways, the people who would encourage me to do so, and push me to do better are no longer here. They will never see us achieve these things or make a better life for ourselves, but there are still people here who want us to succeed. So those are the people I will cling to and share my joy and heartaches with. I won't stop blogging or communicating with everyone entirely. I will just be more selective of who is allowed to add to my happiness and my joy. I won't contribute to people who only see one half of my relationship, or only acknowledge one part of my life. It is an isolating and unforgiving choice, but it is mine to make and stick to.

As always thank you for reading to the end, and making it through the twists and turns that I provided. I just sit down and write as it comes to me, which is no way to write coherently or understandably. Hopefully I haven't scared everyone off, but if I have, then this is just my therapy. Happy New Year. Make the best choices and be unafraid to live your life the way you choose. Until next time.