Sunday, July 15, 2012

Wedding Bell Hell?

Trying to plan a wedding on virtually no budget and without much substantial help, i.e.; wedding planner, m.o.b./m.o.g., and only a maid of honor to really bounce ideas off of at the moment, is rather stressful and difficult for me. Granted, I have more than a year to pull this off, and by that time may have a job with which to contribute to the minimal budget, but still. It's hard. I don't mean to complain, I actually enjoy the process of it..what gets me is not being able to talk it over with anyone at all. 
I mean normally moms get excited for their daughters when they are getting married. They go all crazy and stuff with the planning and dress shopping, shoe shopping and what not. Not my mom. I get the feeling that she would be more enthusiastic if I said I wanted to marry a cat. Really, and actual cat, fur and all, instead of being at least happy for me that I've found someone I want to and can spend the rest of my life with. Is it too much to ask for her to be happy at least? Was it this hard for her when she got engaged and married? I mean honestly, it couldn't have been because even her grandma liked "Worm" which was my dad, Warren. She couldn't say his name correctly.
Anyway maybe I should get over myself and stop with the pity party and get to the being happy and care free? Or maybe I should wallow in my thoughts and emotions while I ponder deep things like the meaning of life, and why the sky is blue or grass is green. Perhaps I shouldn't even bother involving her, save for the fact that I love her, and I want her to be part of this happy time for me. I know growing up I've given her a lot of grief and misery in various times, formats, shapes, and colors, but we're family and family means that we'll always love and support each other right?
No matter what family is defined as anywhere, I feel like that is a true statement about what family should be like, whether or not you are related at all.
I guess what I am trying to get at is how hurt I feel that people I didn't even know until almost three years ago are more supportive of my relationship than my own family. My flesh and blood treat my engagement like a dirty family secret that shouldn't get brought up at all unless its for the bare minimum of details on the family, if it gets brought up at all. Eric's family would through a huge party for us if they had the money. I don't see how that makes any sense at all, that two families who love the separate parties involved can't even get together completely for even two hours. There is just something wrong with this. I know all weddings and marriages and mixed families don't always get along well, sometimes even at all, but shouldn't they at least try? My future mother in law is intimidated by my mom because my mom doesn't say much when she isn't comfortable/in a situation she feels in control of. My dad just doesn't want to get to know anybody at all, not even in my parents small group. He would rather stay home and play computer games or watch Netflix, which Eric pays for.
Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take living in a house with people who don't even appreciate what my fiance does. He may not do much but he does more than I do and that is a fact. He cooks and cleans when he can, and he pays for everything he uses. He sits and listens to everyone else complain about one thing or another and doesn't give input that makes anyone angry. I sit there and fume and do as I'm told because I am afraid that if I don't I will get us kicked out and without a place to stay. I am afraid to say what I think and feel, which is not like me at all. I am afraid to do those things because I don't like seeing the look on peoples faces when I talk about what they don't want to hear. What Eric did today. How crazy things got at work for him that night. What colors I should pick for the wedding. Who should be in the bridal party. What OUR plans are for school and what not. I can't say any of it because nobody wants to listen or care, or take the time to hear from me that no, I am not converting to anything at all anytime ever. But they all regal anyone who will listen about how stubborn I am and how bullheaded I can be, and how you can't make me do anything I don't want to and that if you tell me "no" I MAKE it a "yes". Can they not see the correlation between how I will and will not make my decisions and choices, and live my life? Or has age blinded them to the inferno that is my will and pride and stubbornness?


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