My dearest readers and followers near and far, I thank you once again for reading this post, however longwinded and frustrating it may be. I don’t typically plan out my posts, outline, or have any semblance of order and structure to them at all. I prefer to free flow write, which can sometimes lose my thought, and can be incredibly annoying for the reader as my mind races from one thought to the next, so bear with me, as always.
This won’t be a post about a “New year, new me!” or “New year, same me!” variety. This will be a reflection on the length between posts, how this blog began, and what I feel the future of it holds. You see, as a teenager, angry, self-righteous and overly confident in my own abilities, I took to venting my frustrations on the internet. Because, if the people you see day in and day out won’t listen, someone out there will, right? *Heavy sarcasm implied* As I started out this blog, it was a journal of sorts, to sift through my feelings, ideas, and more often than not, my hot temper, ever present and easily ignited by almost any and everything.
Watching myself over the years, and seeing the frequency with which I would post was a changing point, and I began to post less and less because I both no longer needed to vent all my frustrations to a ready and willing internet space that could be manipulated and used in plenty of awful ways. I also grew to acknowledge, accept, and understand that not everything I posted was about me, more than it was my reactions to or because of other people’s problems, issues, or attitudes. On any subject matter, for any reason at all. This struck me as not only immature but a reason that I was not myself moving forward in my life. For those of you close to me, you may find that odd and say “Whatever do you mean, you weren’t moving forward” or something akin to that.
I mean this: talking about other people, whether they have agreed to it or not, in an unbecoming manner, especially on the internet is disrespectful. To do so can ostracize and push people out of your life simply because you are being unflattering about something that happened some length of time (a day, week, month, or year) ago, and the people who read it are either of the same mind and maturity level as you or looking for reasons to distrust you. Just as relevant, the side of yourself that you choose to show by talking in this way is unflattering and can turn people against you because you are showing them the worst aspects of yourself, not the best. It is true that I didn’t specifically talk about people or events, but the manner and spirit in which I made posts was certainly aimed at an audience on par with where I was emotionally, and in many ways, mentally, as far as how things happened to me rather than me proactively choosing to happen to things. Instead of seeing all the positives in my life, I chose instead, to focus on many of the negatives and exaggerate or boost up what I felt was important at the time.
In the last few years, my posts have gone down, to a single post a year in some cases, in others very few. This is because I realized I was not portraying things as best I could, and did not do justice to the people, the situations, and the outcomes I was giving my readers. Some of this is a perspective issue, and that I can only give my interpretation and perspective on what was going on around me, and how I, in turn, felt about it. This does not excuse anything else I may have, and more than likely, have misconstrued.
So in this post, instead of embracing or toting a “new me” or “same me” philosophy, I will do both, and neither at all. New me, because I am coming into the understanding that the words I use and put forth into the world matter and can affect more than just myself or the circle of people with whom I am surrounded. Same me, because I will still more than likely make brash decisions, have some wrong choices ahead of me, and will inevitably do something ridiculous and worth noting for posterity because it was my own foolish fault. New, because I am taking responsibility for how I make others feel, and how those around me may interpret my actions, words, and antics. Same me, because in many of those instances I truly won’t care, but for the ones where it matters, it will affect me entirely too much.
I want to be as forthcoming and true to this post as possible, and to attempt to cover the great expanse of time between my last blog post and where I am now, is not only daunting but nearly impossible. There are too many lives entwined in that journey, and too many people to disappoint should I say it incorrectly. Because there is so much that I cannot say in being respectful to those whose voice I cannot imitate, let me say that it has been a long journey filled with many a high and low point that has still allowed me to come out well enough. I am happy, I have a job that I love, and I am surrounded by people who will love and support me to the best of their ability. That is all I can as for the older I become, people to love and accept me, flaws and all, and to be happy with the self I have been, am becoming, and currently am in between.
For those of you I have been less connected with, know I love you and care for you very much, but I am absolutely horrible at showing it, and in gaining the maturity to know that all relationships go two ways, I will do my best to reach out more, and be understanding when you are unable to see or speak to me when I have the time. Growing up is difficult and sometimes that means parting ways, even when you don’t want to. Other times it means getting closer and holding tight. Having the maturity to know which relationships to nurture and which to let lie, is still a big step for me, but something I am still working on and hope to be able to discern in a better manner.
Thank you all for sticking with this post, my first, and likely only post for the year, but that remains to be seen. I appreciate your comments and insights, and I enjoy hearing from you. Be patient and kind with me should I take too long to respond, or be disappointing in the response you receive. This is a learning process that I have just started, it seems, but I hope to be knowledgeable in sooner rather than later.
