Back to my first blog in the first month of a brand new year. I sit here typing at a computer contemplating my life choices and the crossing paths that lie before me. So many things that I could do, and may do. So many things I have chosen to exclude myself from. So many hypothetical things. I need to make them real. To go from hypothetically eating better to actually eating better. To truly pushing myself instead of 'wanting' to push myself. I can't only want to exercise, I need to get up and do it.
I don't mean to sound motivational, for many of you that know me well, I can be far from that on a good day. For other's I will offer some insight as to my normal perspective on anything requiring more than a few seconds of decision. 'Hmmm maybe not then, that sounds like effort.' 'Nah, I don't want to exert myself today.' 'Mmmm, yeah, still not feeling it. It's not happening.'
Shout out to my lazy friends! On a more serious note, in this past year, and the nearly fifteen days of this new year, I have watched people I know succeed at their goals and felt left out. Upon this realization I took notice of why I would feel that way, and it hit me. I am not out there trying anything new. I am not out there experiencing the world, traveling, eating and straining to reach new heights. I am stagnant in what I do, and even if I do not have a "morning routine/ritual" my life is routine. Go to my volunteer place, put the time in, come home, wait for my husband and do housework, eat dinner, stay up too late, and start again the next day.
Not much of that differs at all. Occasionally we see friends or go to a movie, do something fun and different. Most of the time though, it's the same. In part it is because he works so much and if I could just fall into some money *cue long lost relative from who knows where, to randomly show up and bestow money upon us* **still waiting** I would use it to help push us along. Allow him to not work, or to work less and get through school so he can enjoy the work he does do rather than be a slave to it. I would also take it and ensure we could sustain ourselves, and I would hope to be able to help our family too, should they need it. But that is less likely to happen than all the normal, boring, typical things, so I'll keep some fingers or toes crossed.
I want to do a lot of things, but I am comfortable doing nothing, and having money fall in my lap won't change my attitude to acting on something. So I have to be a big girl and just get up and do it. My problem is that, to work on me, I have to sacrifice different things, and all of the things I need to sacrifice are things I'm not willing to let go. The time I spend with my husband which is precious enough to begin with. The time I like to myself when he is still working and I am home. Even if I am cleaning or prepping dinner I am having me time. Time I get to spend with friends, which is more rare than anything I've mentioned so far. I can make new friends, we can have the same goals, but I don't want to forget about the friends I already have, which is how it seems to go when you chase after a goal.
Some people might say, make your husband commit to things with you! That would be a great idea....if he didn't work between 40-75 hours a week depending on employees deciding to come to work or not. Plus getting extra time because no manager has yet been able to allow him to work a regular shift, since, well, ever. I know, I know, I sound like all I'm doing is complaining and you're damn right. I do a lot of that. I get so stuck in complaining because I never see it change. Growing up in a lower middle class family and watching my husband come from a poor family to create a lower-middle-middle class family unit together, it's desperately frustrating. Everything seems futile, and we have to delve into poverty to climb back out? Or just get lucky? We could be like countless others, and try to play the game and beat the system, but we are both too honest for that and too unlucky to pull it off. This life provides plenty of fodder for complaints and crying, but shaking myself out of it takes a lot, too.
It takes a better person than me to remind me of the good things I have, as opposed to all the bad I talk about. My husband is that person, and I am so very grateful for is love, support, and understanding for all the hell I put him through. I could not have found a better man to be married to and spend the rest of my life with. So it is for him I want to make these improvements. Myself as well, but because he makes me want to be a better version of me, and to attain the best I can, even if it scares me. He shows me how to walk into a room full of murderers and thieves completely terrified, and walk out the head of a new gang. Or a more PC and understandable example would be walking into a room of executives as someone looking for an entry level job, and walking out the CEO. Whichever example you find more entertaining or uplifting, yada yada.
Because he is able to do these things on a daily basis, I want to try to do them, too. Maybe I won't be able to daily, or even weekly, but I want to work toward that and set little goals for myself and see the improvement. I want to start a family and I want to have a good, rich life. Rich in family, friendship, and love. Full of people who understand and care for us, and who support us as a couple, and individuals. We may be two separate people, but we have built a life together and to suggest or demand that we need to do things apart to have a better life sounds ridiculous to me. It sounds like someone stuck in their own rut, offering advice they would never take and not wanting to truly change at all.
I know everything takes small steps to start, so I want to direct our lives with love. I want to love my husband and I into a better lifestyle, and better economic status. I want to love him into a career he can build on and will satisfy him. I want to love myself into the person I want to be. Into the shape and fitness I want to be. I need support from all sides though, and in some ways, the people who would encourage me to do so, and push me to do better are no longer here. They will never see us achieve these things or make a better life for ourselves, but there are still people here who want us to succeed. So those are the people I will cling to and share my joy and heartaches with. I won't stop blogging or communicating with everyone entirely. I will just be more selective of who is allowed to add to my happiness and my joy. I won't contribute to people who only see one half of my relationship, or only acknowledge one part of my life. It is an isolating and unforgiving choice, but it is mine to make and stick to.
As always thank you for reading to the end, and making it through the twists and turns that I provided. I just sit down and write as it comes to me, which is no way to write coherently or understandably. Hopefully I haven't scared everyone off, but if I have, then this is just my therapy. Happy New Year. Make the best choices and be unafraid to live your life the way you choose. Until next time.