On Life, Living, and the “Maturity” Aspect of it: A Blog Post

My dearest readers and followers near and far, I thank you once again for reading this post, however longwinded and frustrating it may be. I don’t typically plan out my posts, outline, or have any semblance of order and structure to them at all. I prefer to free flow write, which can sometimes lose my thought, and can be incredibly annoying for the reader as my mind races from one thought to the next, so bear with me, as always.

This won’t be a post about a “New year, new me!” or “New year, same me!” variety. This will be a reflection on the length between posts, how this blog began, and what I feel the future of it holds. You see, as a teenager, angry, self-righteous and overly confident in my own abilities, I took to venting my frustrations on the internet. Because, if the people you see day in and day out won’t listen, someone out there will, right? *Heavy sarcasm implied* As I started out this blog, it was a journal of sorts, to sift through my feelings, ideas, and more often than not, my hot temper, ever present and easily ignited by almost any and everything.

Watching myself over the years, and seeing the frequency with which I would post was a changing point, and I began to post less and less because I both no longer needed to vent all my frustrations to a ready and willing internet space that could be manipulated and used in plenty of awful ways. I also grew to acknowledge, accept, and understand that not everything I posted was about me, more than it was my reactions to or because of other people’s problems, issues, or attitudes. On any subject matter, for any reason at all. This struck me as not only immature but a reason that I was not myself moving forward in my life. For those of you close to me, you may find that odd and say “Whatever do you mean, you weren’t moving forward” or something akin to that.

I mean this: talking about other people, whether they have agreed to it or not, in an unbecoming manner, especially on the internet is disrespectful. To do so can ostracize and push people out of your life simply because you are being unflattering about something that happened some length of time (a day, week, month, or year) ago, and the people who read it are either of the same mind and maturity level as you or looking for reasons to distrust you. Just as relevant, the side of yourself that you choose to show by talking in this way is unflattering and can turn people against you because you are showing them the worst aspects of yourself, not the best. It is true that I didn’t specifically talk about people or events, but the manner and spirit in which I made posts was certainly aimed at an audience on par with where I was emotionally, and in many ways, mentally, as far as how things happened to me rather than me proactively choosing to happen to things. Instead of seeing all the positives in my life, I chose instead, to focus on many of the negatives and exaggerate or boost up what I felt was important at the time.

In the last few years, my posts have gone down, to a single post a year in some cases, in others very few. This is because I realized I was not portraying things as best I could, and did not do justice to the people, the situations, and the outcomes I was giving my readers. Some of this is a perspective issue, and that I can only give my interpretation and perspective on what was going on around me, and how I, in turn, felt about it. This does not excuse anything else I may have, and more than likely, have misconstrued.

So in this post, instead of embracing or toting a “new me” or “same me” philosophy, I will do both, and neither at all. New me, because I am coming into the understanding that the words I use and put forth into the world matter and can affect more than just myself or the circle of people with whom I am surrounded. Same me, because I will still more than likely make brash decisions, have some wrong choices ahead of me, and will inevitably do something ridiculous and worth noting for posterity because it was my own foolish fault. New, because I am taking responsibility for how I make others feel, and how those around me may interpret my actions, words, and antics. Same me, because in many of those instances I truly won’t care, but for the ones where it matters, it will affect me entirely too much.

I want to be as forthcoming and true to this post as possible, and to attempt to cover the great expanse of time between my last blog post and where I am now, is not only daunting but nearly impossible. There are too many lives entwined in that journey, and too many people to disappoint should I say it incorrectly. Because there is so much that I cannot say in being respectful to those whose voice I cannot imitate, let me say that it has been a long journey filled with many a high and low point that has still allowed me to come out well enough. I am happy, I have a job that I love, and I am surrounded by people who will love and support me to the best of their ability. That is all I can as for the older I become, people to love and accept me, flaws and all, and to be happy with the self I have been, am becoming, and currently am in between.

For those of you I have been less connected with, know I love you and care for you very much, but I am absolutely horrible at showing it, and in gaining the maturity to know that all relationships go two ways, I will do my best to reach out more, and be understanding when you are unable to see or speak to me when I have the time. Growing up is difficult and sometimes that means parting ways, even when you don’t want to. Other times it means getting closer and holding tight. Having the maturity to know which relationships to nurture and which to let lie, is still a big step for me, but something I am still working on and hope to be able to discern in a better manner.

Thank you all for sticking with this post, my first, and likely only post for the year, but that remains to be seen. I appreciate your comments and insights, and I enjoy hearing from you. Be patient and kind with me should I take too long to respond, or be disappointing in the response you receive. This is a learning process that I have just started, it seems, but I hope to be knowledgeable in sooner rather than later.

Advanced Holiday Crazies

And welcome back faithful readers! On today's lesson in "Advanced Holiday Crazies" presented by, moi, we endeavor to cover how to not lose your mind! In reality, it will be more of me catching you up during this hectic, holiday madness and the goings on in my life in the last month. Surprisingly and out of nowhere, I felt the need to blog and cover what has happened since my last post.

Let's not get too excited and see trends and patterns where there aren't any, but if I do manage a monthly, or even quarterly posting to keep you all updated, it would be something. For anyone who has been with me since at least last year, you know that I participated in NaNoWriMo but did not collect any prizes and whatnot due to the hectic and crazy things that were unplanned and had no way to work around. Although I completed the challenge with (sort of new) a writing I was working on, I decided to re-enter it for this year's challenge and got everything turned in on time and posted, so I am now a NaNoWriMo winner. Whatever that means exactly, except that I did something magnificent-ish. yay me!

Beyond that I have been working and keeping up with old and new friends, trying to expand my writing capabilities and discovering more about myself. It has been a process but it has helped me see some of the flaws I need to fix and some of the things I need to embellish and make stronger. There are parts of myself I am still learning to love and care for that I thought I had already figured out, and there are parts of me that are changing. I hope for the better and in a positive direction. As the seasons begin to change more fully, and the temperature drops while the winds kick up, I am searching for new memories to make, while keeping the people I hold dear as close to me as possible. In the last few years that circle of people has changed, grown and contracted to different sizes, but the people I want continuously in my life are there for me, and I for them.

Even if the holidays are different this year and every year hereafter, traditional or not, I want to take all the pictures and spend all the time I have to spend with the ones I love. My family and friends who support Eric and I and who encourage us to be better versions of ourselves. You all know who you are and I thank you all for caring for us the way you do. Without you all, we would be two lonely people in a world of opportunity, and instead, we are part of groups of people who we can lean on and support as needed. I know I have grown a lot in the last few years but there is still a lot more growing for me to do. I'm hoping I have some wonderful people around me to watch and grow with me, too.

As always, thank you for reading and for your support of my crazy ideas and thoughts. Love, light, peace, and happiness to all of you this holiday season. Hold your nearest and dearest close and enjoy a bright new year if I don't post again soon!

It's the most...intense time of the year.

And so begins the mad rush of frenzied shoppers eager to get spoiled children their rotten heart's desires.... I mean, October. Since when did Christmas and other wintertime holiday's begin before their actual season? I heard this morning on the news (Today Show) that the Hallmark channel will be premiering 67 days of Christmas movies. I love Christmas, and Halloween is my favorite, but I see no reason other than capitalistic gain. -Sigh- Anyway, this is the time of year where things get really complicated for me emotionally. This is always a time of upheaval, and this year is proving to be no exception.
Since I was a child at only six years old, something significant has happened during the holidays. One of my grandfather's passed on a Christmas Eve, one grandma passed on an Election day in November, my other grandma passed two days before her birthday, and last year....my mother in law passed just before Thanksgiving after her youngest son was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. 
And what happened over this weekend? One of the other boys is in the hospital for the same thing. I'm not saying that things will always happen during this time, and I'm not drawing parallels (yet). But that these always happen between my birthday and the end of the year has not escaped my notice either. There were years, from the time I was six until I was 21 where nothing happened more than some slight financial problems that I wasn't aware of because I was still growing and learning. I am so happy that nothing major happened during those formative years, but it didn't make losing the people I love and watching others in pain any easier.
Add to this that Eric has been going through some things at work that are unfair and are directly affecting how we get by, we are still trying. We were down to one vehicle, and at the same time, my sister in law wrecked her car (in the middle of a pile-up she had no control over) and we began to share between the three of us. Then Eric was able to pay down enough on a motorcycle he wanted and is using that to get to work, but my sister and I are still sharing. Our car was in an accident nearly 3 months, 6, sometime that I can't remember because so much has happened since then. The accident was my fault, we have a shop ready and waiting for us to pull up, but both of us need to get to different places and life doesn't work around anyone's convenient schedule.
Maybe I just felt the need to vent and complain, but I also wanted to make you all aware, in case you didn't know yet. Life isn't fair, and sometimes it really sucks. Like, a lot. But if you have the right people around you, you can get through it. Thankfully our family is there for us, and we are there for them. We have amazing friends that are there for us as well. I know I can be pessimistic and sound defeated, but I would ask that you all remember, the last seven years have been the best and most tumultuous of my life, and I haven't lived that long. Thank you all for reading and listening to my complaints and updates. Thank you for understanding.

Oh, say, can you...blog?

So, it hasn't been a year yet. I think I'm on to a good start. I say that as I'm listening to AFI in the background and attempting to not procrastinate..on anything. Aside from the obvious fact that I am blogging, I think I'm doing well on that.
Back to business though, how was everyone's holiday? Happy day after independence day/4th of July everybody in the US! My day wasn't super eventful but it was still a good one and I am so grateful to have the friends I have, even if we don't talk often or about much more than catch up. I really do love you all and I hope you are doing well.
Eric worked yesterday and I did as well, but he worked until 11PM and I worked until 5. A friend came and shwooped me away (I know I need my own dictionary of false words. I would say I'm working on it, but honestly I'm not. Just lazy) to a BBQ at another friends house. We ate, watched a few small fireworks and played with sparklers then went to another get together and had fun before another friend brought me back home.
I know some of you would love to know how my life became so interesting. So I'll tell you. I'm awesome. Actually not really, and my life isn't that interesting, but I feel like it is to me and that is just fine. Even if the day to day things are monotonous and can drive me up the wall, I have colorful and amazing friends to lean on in every facet of my life. So I guess as much as I wanted to say "Happy 4th" I also wanted to remain thankful for the things I do have. A loving husband who works tirelessly to support us and make sure we are moving forward instead of back, a strong family on both sides, ready and willing to support our dreams and endeavours however possible. Add to that list, friends that are like family and know all the little quirks and oddities, but love me (us) anyway. Thank you for being there and supportive of my weirdness and just letting me rant to you through writing or in person, and for asking my opinion or advice because you actually think I'm capable of giving it. I appreciate all that you do, seen and unseen on the daily that keeps me going. Love you guys.

New Year, New....Nothing?

This is my first blog of the New Year and it comes remarkably quickly considering my tendency to postpone and forget about posting altogether. Anyway, hello all. Welcome to a new year full of the same things we had last year, but shiny and new looking due to renewed interest and polished political prowess/hatred. No, I'm not going to get political here, too much to tackle and too many people to offend (take that how you will) for me to even dream of it.

Back to my first blog in the first month of a brand new year. I sit here typing at a computer contemplating my life choices and the crossing paths that lie before me. So many things that I could do, and may do. So many things I have chosen to exclude myself from. So many hypothetical things. I need to make them real. To go from hypothetically eating better to actually eating better. To truly pushing myself instead of 'wanting' to push myself. I can't only want to exercise, I need to get up and do it.

I don't mean to sound motivational, for many of you that know me well, I can be far from that on a good day. For other's I will offer some insight as to my normal perspective on anything requiring more than a few seconds of decision. 'Hmmm maybe not then, that sounds like effort.' 'Nah, I don't want to exert myself today.' 'Mmmm, yeah, still not feeling it. It's not happening.'

Shout out to my lazy friends! On a more serious note, in this past year, and the nearly fifteen days of this new year, I have watched people I know succeed at their goals and felt left out. Upon this realization I took notice of why I would feel that way, and it hit me. I am not out there trying anything new. I am not out there experiencing the world, traveling, eating and straining to reach new heights. I am stagnant in what I do, and even if I do not have a "morning routine/ritual" my life is routine. Go to my volunteer place, put the time in, come home, wait for my husband and do housework, eat dinner, stay up too late, and start again the next day.

Not much of that differs at all. Occasionally we see friends or go to a movie, do something fun and different. Most of the time though, it's the same. In part it is because he works so much and if I could just fall into some money *cue long lost relative from who knows where, to randomly show up and bestow money upon us* **still waiting** I would use it to help push us along. Allow him to not work, or to work less and get through school so he can enjoy the work he does do rather than be a slave to it. I would also take it and ensure we could sustain ourselves, and I would hope to be able to help our family too, should they need it. But that is less likely to happen than all the normal, boring, typical things, so I'll keep some fingers or toes crossed.

I want to do a lot of things, but I am comfortable doing nothing, and having money fall in my lap won't change my attitude to acting on something. So I have to be a big girl and just get up and do it. My problem is that, to work on me, I have to sacrifice different things, and all of the things I need to sacrifice are things I'm not willing to let go. The time I spend with my husband which is precious enough to begin with. The time I like to myself when he is still working and I am home. Even if I am cleaning or prepping dinner I am having me time. Time I get to spend with friends, which is more rare than anything I've mentioned so far. I can make new friends, we can have the same goals, but I don't want to forget about the friends I already have, which is how it seems to go when you chase after a goal.

Some people might say, make your husband commit to things with you! That would be a great idea....if he didn't work between 40-75 hours a week depending on employees deciding to come to work or not. Plus getting extra time because no manager has yet been able to allow him to work a regular shift, since, well, ever. I know, I know, I sound like all I'm doing is complaining and you're damn right. I do a lot of that. I get so stuck in complaining because I never see it change. Growing up in a lower middle class family and watching my husband come from a poor family to create a lower-middle-middle class family unit together, it's desperately frustrating. Everything seems futile, and we have to delve into poverty to climb back out? Or just get lucky? We could be like countless others, and try to play the game and beat the system, but we are both too honest for that and too unlucky to pull it off. This life provides plenty of fodder for complaints and crying, but shaking myself out of it takes a lot, too.

It takes a better person than me to remind me of the good things I have, as opposed to all the bad I talk about. My husband is that person, and I am so very grateful for is love, support, and understanding for all the hell I put him through. I could not have found a better man to be married to and spend the rest of my life with. So it is for him I want to make these improvements. Myself as well, but because he makes me want to be a better version of me, and to attain the best I can, even if it scares me. He shows me how to walk into a room full of murderers and thieves completely terrified, and walk out the head of a new gang. Or a more PC and understandable example would be walking into a room of executives as someone looking for an entry level job, and walking out the CEO. Whichever example you find more entertaining or uplifting, yada yada.

Because he is able to do these things on a daily basis, I want to try to do them, too. Maybe I won't be able to daily, or even weekly, but I want to work toward that and set little goals for myself and see the improvement. I want to start a family and I want to have a good, rich life. Rich in family, friendship, and love. Full of people who understand and care for us, and who support us as a couple, and individuals. We may be two separate people, but we have built a life together and to suggest or demand that we need to do things apart to have a better life sounds ridiculous to me. It sounds like someone stuck in their own rut, offering advice they would never take and not wanting to truly change at all.

I know everything takes small steps to start, so I want to direct our lives with love. I want to love my husband and I into a better lifestyle, and better economic status. I want to love him into a career he can build on and will satisfy him. I want to love myself into the person I want to be. Into the shape and fitness I want to be. I need support from all sides though, and in some ways, the people who would encourage me to do so, and push me to do better are no longer here. They will never see us achieve these things or make a better life for ourselves, but there are still people here who want us to succeed. So those are the people I will cling to and share my joy and heartaches with. I won't stop blogging or communicating with everyone entirely. I will just be more selective of who is allowed to add to my happiness and my joy. I won't contribute to people who only see one half of my relationship, or only acknowledge one part of my life. It is an isolating and unforgiving choice, but it is mine to make and stick to.

As always thank you for reading to the end, and making it through the twists and turns that I provided. I just sit down and write as it comes to me, which is no way to write coherently or understandably. Hopefully I haven't scared everyone off, but if I have, then this is just my therapy. Happy New Year. Make the best choices and be unafraid to live your life the way you choose. Until next time.

Dreadful Holidays and Painful Goodbyes

For many people, the holiday season is the time of year where they can put differences aside and come together to celebrate family, friends, and cheerful spirits. Generally, this is how my family and my friends have treated this time of year and I go with enthusiasm into it, singing and baking as time allows and putting together caroling stops for dear friends and family.
The last two years have been difficult for these activities, and my heart has not been in it. In August of last year (2015) my maternal grandmother fell ill after a senior trip to Canada and was in and out of the hospital. She was misdiagnosed with pneumonia and a few other things before discovering her kidneys were failing and she would need dialysis every few days while still in the hospital. She was transferred just after my birthday in September to a hospital about an hour away from my hometown after treatments were unable to be provided at our local hospital.
During that time, I went down weekly as I was able to see her, and my mother was about to return to work because my grandma's condition seemed to be stable, but not improving or getting worse. Two days before my grandma's birthday in October, she passed away in a hospital bedroom after hallucinating and being unaware of her current surroundings. She had declined rapidly in a matter of days and the difference was shocking, heartbreaking, and all around something I am still coming to terms with.
In previous years, there have been other family tragedies around the holiday season as well. In 2012, my paternal grandmother had a stroke very early the morning of election day, and the family was called to gather and say final goodbyes, despite her desire not to be put on life support in the event of a traumatic event or injury. I watched a woman I had grown up and seen only months before, turn into someone I didn't recognize but for her features, and my heart broke then too. At six years old I lost my grandfather on my mother's side, but being so young, I didn't truly understand the meaning of loss, and only when it was explained he would no longer be coming home, or seeing his family, did I know he was gone forever.
Now a year after my grandmother's passing, there is another family crisis that I am struggling to deal with. I feel like I have less of a right to struggle with it, but I know that this person would tell me I have every right to feel the way I do and that it doesn't belittle anyone else's suffering. I still feel guilty because the only tie I have is my marriage to her son.
Nealy three weeks ago, my mother-in-law passed away very suddenly, without any warning, leaving behind three minor children (two by blood, and one step child who she loved as her own) and three adult children, one of which I am married to. She had just gotten her degree in clinical counseling and was on her way to working in a paid capacity. She was happy and finally somewhere in life she could be proud of and enjoy with her family. Life was looking up. To be caught so off guard, and to have seen her the day before, making dinner and complaining about trivial and more important things, but completely normal, fine, and in no way different, it is unsettling.
The autopsy required for burial revealed that the tissue around her heart was extremely fatty, and resulted in something similar to a heart attack. This was brought on due to rapid weight loss in relation to a bariatric surgery prompted by the discovery of precancerous cells in her esophagus the previous year. Throughout all of this, money had been the main discussion topic because there was nothing put away, and no reason to expect that a healthy woman of 46 would have something happen to her and she would be gone.
What's more, her father, someone who owns property near Santa Margarita Lake and was part of the homesteading families of the Santa Maria Valley, refused to put out any money on her behalf without the broken and still grief stricken family coming up with at least half of the funeral costs, postponing the burial for more than a week. This man has thousands, if not millions of dollars put away or tied up in savings, stocks, bonds, and who knows what else, and is unwilling to provide for his daughters family in this way but expects everyone to drop their pain, grief, confusion, and feelings, to allow for him to step into the limelight of suffering and chauvinistic, patriarchal, and selfish displays of indifference I have ever seen in my minimal life experience. I was outraged on her behalf, because growing up, my mother-in-law witnessed things of this nature and much more at his hand.
If it weren't for the younger children, I'm sure all of the older children would have opted him out of any decision making in the first place. As it is, he has a plot that she will be put to rest at, but getting to a point where it wasn't about him and his money was time-consuming and frustrating.By the end of this, as far as I am privy to, no one wishes to contact him any further once the burial is over, and no one wants to deal with him because he is incapable of seeing past his needs and wants.
With all that going on, it has been difficult for everyone to process and deal with this. All the older children came together and made a proper Thanksgiving meal like their mom would have wanted and celebrated together. My mom and brother came over and played games with everyone and it wasn't the worst holiday ever. I'm sure my MIL would have been happy with how the day turned out and seeing everyone together and enjoying themselves, but in the back of my mind is a nagging feeling. 
It makes me think of the worst episode of Buffy in the history of the show, the one that catches you off guard and tears you open, rending your soul to pieces. In the episode, Buffy's mother has passed away and she comes home to find her on the couch. I can only be glad that the children didn't have to go through that added trauma, it is enough to lose a parent when you are still going through mandatory schooling. 
One of the supporting characters goes on a rant that is the most heart wrenching and poignant in my opinion that describes exactly what it is to lose someone at all. This is an excerpt from the episode:

Anya: Are they gonna cut the body open?

Willow: Oh my God! Would you just... stop talking? Just... shut your mouth. Please.

Anya: What am I doing?

Willow: How can you act like that?

Anya: Am I supposed to be changing my clothes a lot? I mean, is that the helpful thing to do?

Xander: Guys...

Willow: The way you behave...

Anya: Nobody will tell me.

Willow: Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things.

Anya: But I don't understand.

[begins to cry]

Anya: I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

For my husband who reads my blogs whenever they are posted, I'm sorry to pull this up and I don't want to make you feel like your suffering is any less or the like. I cry almost every day, when no one is around and now that I have so many people I cry for, the spells last a little longer. It just seems that everything happens around the holidays with my family, and the last six years have been no exception. 

So for all my friends and family, if I am a little distant or unaware at times, or if my eyes sparkle with unshed memories and my tear streaked face happens to catch yours, don't try too hard to comfort me, just having you there is a comfort. make new memories with me and live to your fullest. If you are scared, do it. If you are excited, do it. If you don't know, learn about it, and do it. Don't ever have to wonder about anything if yo don't want to and make every second count. I want to enjoy life with you and those around me, I want to be able to say, yes, we did this. Life is too precious to not go after your dreams. No matter how long it will take you, or how difficult the path, if you want it, pursue it. Please.

In solemn and contrite closings, thank you all for reading and putting up with my roller coaster ride of emotions and grammatical incongruencies this time. I hope to bring something more pleasant to the table when next we meet.

Cross Country Flights and Other Sundries

Surprisingly it hasn't been that long since I have graced my blog with another post. Unfortunately, this tale has not much to do with happy endings and more to do with unfortunate happenings. Where I should begin escapes me, but I have to start somewhere, right?

First, a wonderful kick off to summer. My in-laws were given a 60-day notice on the house they are living in, the first of June. That is a doozy in itself, let alone trying to find a place to rent, in the summer with three children under 18. Nearly impossible. To help as best we could, we (my husband and I) are trying to find a place that will accommodate all of us to combine incomes and allow some ease of living for the time being, but to no avail. The only house we were all able to view was given to other renters, presumably because it was a single family with only one, possibly two incomes at most, and no pets. This has been the biggest hurdle, finding homes that allow pets at all. The clock is ticking down on this and the places available are extremely limited. Not to mention that our family vacation was planned for the last week of June, to go to Florida with my parents for their time share. Just to make things easier, yes?

No. Not easier in the least. The flight went well, we arrived safely and even got a good reception from my parents who arrived earlier that week and would stay past as after we left (they had two weeks of the time share to use). Upon arrival, we go to the grocery store to stock up on grocery supplies and other things we may need. By the time we get out and back to the resort, my phone isn't turning on to save its life. I switched batteries, and still, nothing. As Eric is searching the internet for any idea as to why this is happening, I am spending time planning our days out with my family for the trip. He finally concludes that I have burnt out my CPU and that is the likely cause of my phone being unable to restart and do anything that resembles smartphone things. 

The week was fun, we spent time at Dinsey World and Universal Orlando and got to spend time with my family. It was a nice break from reality for a little while. Coming home was something else entirely. We get there the designated two hours prior to flight to ensure we are through security and able to make our flight. We find out our gate has changed and our flight has been delayed by more than two hours. We go on with it and don't worry, that happens sometimes. Finally, we are getting close to boarding and we find out that the flight has been overbooked. They ask if anyone would like to volunteer their seats to be bumped to another flight the next day but nobody steps up. Last minute we decide to bump so that people who have business or other important things to get to can board and make it to California. We are getting a free room fo the night and transport to and from the hotel for our flight in the morning. We also receive $600 each in flight credits, which wasn't explained very well, because we thought it was going to be $600 cash each for the inconvenience. No worries, we can plan a trip, book seats in 90 days (which is when the flight vouchers need to be used by) and maybe visit my Aunt in Michigan. See snow for the winter instead of just feel the bitterly cold wind from time to time here. 

Well, the night was fine, we get to the airport eh next morning for our flight, did  I forget to mention the food vouchers they gave us too? Anyway, we have breakfast and are looking for where to purchase snacks for the flight home, a connecting flight from Orland to Clevland then Clevland to Los Angeles. Only one store that sells snacks that will accept vouchers in the terminal. A little annoying but, still workable. We board and make the two-hour flight to Cleveland no problem, even talk the whole way there with the lady sitting next to us. We choose to not get off the plane since it will be the same one taking us home. I've had some water to keep hydrated, and eaten some trail mix and a handful of M&M's after boarding almost three hours after breakfast. I have no Dramamine or any kind of motion sickness medication because I have never had a problem flying. I drink a little bit of soda so that I at least have some electrolytes (I know juice would have been better, but the caffeine was nice so I didn't have a headache) and I'm not depelteing anything by drinking only water. Stupid me.

Halfway through the flight to L.A., we hit some turbulence. Not a whole lot, but enough for me to be a little wary. We get through it alright and have even made friends with the person sitting next to us this flight, too. She teaches high school French and college Arabic. Her family is sitting across the aisle and joins in from time to time. I try to sleep so that I don't feel the turbulence and have less chance of getting a headache while on the plane. I don't even sleep that much, or that well. Soon enough we hit some more turbulence and I am feeling it. I look around as a precautionary measure and signal for the attendant at the front (we are in row 7) to let her know I need something and ask Eric to check his seat as well. No air sickness bags. I am wearing a dress with a V-neck and sandals. The lady next to me is looking for her bag as well so that I can use it if I need, and by this point, I am sure I will need it, but not sure when. We are all three frantically looking for bags, the flight attendant at the front is trying to signal someone at the back of the plane, and I am ready to blow. I throw up all over myself and the back of the seat, managing to project onto the person directly in front of me as well. In her hair, on her jacket. I am horrified, embarrassed, afraid to get up and clean myself because it is literally in my bra and all down the front of my dress. The back of the seat is covered along with the snacks I was eating and drinking. The flight attendants find seats for the lady next to me and in front of her because who would stay next to a vomit smelling seat while the girl cleans herself up.

Walking up the aisle to the bathroom is mortifying and I can't meet anyone's gaze because I am so embarrassed. Eric was allowed to go help me clean up in the bathroom, thank God. Crying in the bathroom I'm trying to clean up the vomit on Eric's shirt and jeans. He is trying to clean up everything on the front of my dress and scoop out what is in my bra and eventually I have to take the dress off to try and make it look decent. They give me a lavender perfume that does nothing to cover up the smell and is only a trial bottle so it is gone immediately. The poor attendants Are trying to clean up the area as best they can. The girl I threw up on is being a total ***** (use your imagination) and blaming me for the airlines inability to be prepared. 

When we finally land in L.A. we wait for the majority of people to gett off before we leave the plane and make our way to the terminal. The person at the desk says we need to go to the manager who should be at baggage claim. We walk down to baggage claim and no one is there, so we go up to the ticketing counter on a broken escalator to find out the manager just went down to baggage claim. Down again we go in search of this elusive manager, since no body else is allowed to try and remedy this situation, and my favorite passenger is making herself heard. We wait until she leaves and go in to claim our bag that arrived before our flight did, and see what they will do for us about me being unable to walk in public like a normal human being.

After sitting in the airport for nearly three hours talking with this manager and his manager on the phone and being told "she can clean up in the bathroom" we are feeling beaten. They brought up the voucher for the hotel in Orlando and our response of trying to be considerate and helpful customers goes unnoticed. Fine then. After all this trouble I finally dig through our luggage for something that is clean, meaning there is no vomit on it, and got to the bathroom, wait for the handicap stall so I can change without feeling more disgusting and grab paper towels so I don't use all the toilet paper to clean myself off as much as possible.

After that we are told that he has to close the baggage claim office and return to the ticketing desk, he hasnt been able to help us at all. We shuttle back to the hotel our car is parked at, take care of that and start driving down Sepulveda just to be going somewhere. We stop in a parking lot and Eric calls the number he received again, to find out we have been calling the wrong number and we have been on hold for the better part of three hours for no reason, and the people we need to talk with are out of their office and won't be back until tomorrow. After being on hold even longer, we are told that they still can't do anything for us but WE WILL RECIEVE A CALL then next day at a specified time so we can be helped then. We are tired, and angry, I'm feeling hungry and thirsty because I don't have anything left in my stomach and I haven't for the last seven or eight hours. We start driving home around six or seven thirty in the evening and don't make it back until eleven thirty that night.

I get up the next morning because I was too tired to shower and fight with it the night before and clean myself off. I use a whole bottle of travel shampoo and conditioner and I scrub everywhere I can reach because I just don't know where I will find remnants of vomit. I get out of the shower and ask Eric if he has gotten the call we were supposed to have and he checks his phone and see's that it is an hour after the time we scheduled with no call. He calls them, being proactive, and gets told that he will definitely get called back by X time. Whatever. We get ourselves together and take care of a few things before heading over to his mom's to visit and rehash the whole stupid thing. Finally, the call back we have been waiting for since four thirty-ish the previous day, and the manager lady says, "Well it just is not our responsibility to provide you with those bags. We are sorry for the inconvenience but we cannot do anything for you at this time." Not the exact words, but damn close and the with as little feeling as she said them with I'm sure. Eric says that if that is really all they are able to do is tell me my humilation is not a proiority, especially since they were lacking proper equipment to handle the sitauation in a timely manner, then he may need to look into what legal options he has. She isn't phased, so obviously she gets this threat a lot. I wonder why. And I have been home for a week and am only now getting to vent about this to the internet because I have been working like a dog.

Not only did I find out the day before because of the craziness this problem created, but I had to work from 5:30am until 8pm because my dumb ass coworker doesn't know how to put in requests, and can't read a schedule, but also wants to give one of the oldest ladies in the kitchen lip while she is telling him "You're on the damn schedule, come look for yourself!" because he swears on his grandmother's grave he doesn't work. The day before Fourth of July. Two days before his birthday. It's not my responsibility to ask for your days off you nut! Get yourself together and actually manage yourself, don't blame everyone else, especially when you are older than me and I have my life more together than you at this given moment. Okay seriously, if I write any more it's just going to be bad. Sorry, ranting done for now.

P.S. FRONTIER AIRLINES is the cheapest thing you can use, and if you don't mind throwing up on yourself and others or getting thrown up on, use them for your flying needs. Otherwise, look at the damn reviews and listen to the people complaining. They aren't just the disgruntled people who everything goes wrong for all the time or just want to make someone else's life hell, they are people who generally have a good outlook on life, and haven't had a problem until (flying) Frontier.

Over a year

That is how long it has been since I last posted a blog. I know there aren't many of you that read it and I know that even less of you who read it truly care about what I post or rant about. I do this as an outlet for myself and to practice my writing, gain a style or rather an understanding of the style that I am comfortable writing in. I want to pursue writing as an artform and in that endeavor I have created and dropped many projects, and the longest standing one, I feel needs a remodel. 
My newest project is a work of fanfiction that two readers I have enjoy very much. For that I am grateful but I also am unsure. I do not have much time to pursue my passions because over the last year I have been working almost full time. In the last few months I have moved up to full time and with that change I have also not had very much time to spend with my husband, Eric. This is something that has made both of us very unhappy and has been beyond frustrating to say the least. It's not for lack of trying or poor planning event wise or with scheduled days off, it is the result of my workplace being unable to predict when and how things can go wrong or how to handle them tactfully and in a way that everybody can agree on.
For the last year, I have done what was needed of me in order to ensure that I still had a job. Holding out until Eric is finally put into a managerial position that has been dangled in front of him for the last year and a half. I guess what I am ranting about this time is the complete and utter lack of mutual respect and the inability to keep to their word on both of our jobs parts. I just want all of this to come to a close sooner than later and I don't want Eric to keep pushing for something that will forever be out of his reach. I know I am asking a lot, especially for people who read and are powerless to do anything. I just wanted to get that out there and post something. Anything that can make me feel a little more normal and can keep me from going stir crazy in my own head. This post is fractured at best and has no flow, no continuity to keep it together. I don't really care, I just wanted to write something so that I was doing something other than holding all my creativity in. Also thank you for putting up with this rant and reading it through. Although its short and broken, at least it is something.

A Long Time Coming

It has been three years since I have posted a blog to this site, and many things have happened between then and now. Some very good things, some slightly bad things, and much of it has led to my growth as a person. At the bequest of my adopted sister-in-law (she knows who she is) I am making the attempt to start writing in any capacity once again because, as she puts it, "you're really freaking good at writing, like you kill it."
I feel that this catching up post will be a long one, so I've come prepared: a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of water. As I sit here eating and drinking my early lunch, I have to look back on where I was as a person three years ago, and what events transpired after that time that caused such a pronounced pause of my writing. 
I was a year out from my wedding and stressing about every little detail, not to mention familial relationships and their seemingly utter inability to compromise and be cohesive. I was also battling going through school as well as juggling a job and having to maintain my relationships across the board. If I was given a choice to do it all again exactly the same, I'm sure I would make some changes, but for the most part I feel that without going through it the way I did I would not have come out the other end of it to become the person I am now. Not only did I let some people down, but I learned more than I had ever hoped to learn about some of my friends, and my family. I discovered who I knew had always been there for me, and who would take up their choice and stand by me, becoming my new friends and family after the wedding.
Before that had happened though, some unfortunate things happened in some of my relationships. I didn't know how to say no, and I also had forgotten how to speak my mind. For those who I have done that to, I am sorry. It is a poor reflection of me at the time and show's my poor judgment and naivety that things could be worked out to the benefit of all. Despite my lack of understanding at times, and my blindness to others needs brought on by warring emotions I still managed to hold on to those who are most dear to me. I also lost people I thought I would never lose. 
A member of my family with whom I was trying to have a closer relationship decided to stop putting effort into out relationship and start putting pressure on a different relationship of mine, with which they were remotely involved. In trying to bring a peace to my nuclear family at the time, they caused more problems by trying to take my relationship with Eric and related it exactly to theirs. The fit was not perfect, but was similar enough that I blindly walked into their advice without a second thought to any other relationship but my own with Eric. This was a foolish and rash decision because at the inclusion of this person, I had alienated the one person in my life that, to that point had always been there for me, even when I was completely wrong and too stubborn to see it; my mother. I realized shortly after what I had done, but the damage had been done and I could not get around that. I was lucky that my mother is so kind hearted and able to look past that, seeing what she later told me had occurred. For all the "help" this person tried to provide, they could do nothing to fix the relationship I was working on, and of their own volition, chose for their family not to be a part of our wedding and celebration. It is their loss, as neither Eric, myself, or my mother have talked with them but sparsely. There are no words to say, because in saying them, we make them real. To bring reality to this situation makes it that much more painful and it is almost too much to bear, except that we suffer in silence, hoping for an opportunity, a mere moment, of raw truth that cannot be denied. In doing so we also know that it will never come. That's usually how it goes though, isn't it?
With that I believe I've caught you all up to two years ago. Almost. I forgot the most important part! Eric and I are now married, and this upcoming November will be two years! Although many people say the first year is the hardest, I believe our year actually started after we had gotten married. Not the next week or the next month, but when we finally were able to move into our own place, an apartment in the middle of town. This I feel is where our true "first year" will begin. Not to say we haven't had ups and downs, but these pitfalls have shown us a lot about each other, and have also given us hope because if this is difficult and we aren't batting an eye, what will be our next challenge? I want to make a point and say "Life, I'm not saying I'm too comfortable. I do not mean this as a challenge," because we all know that once it has come out that you are comfortable, confident, and assured in your place, life tends to knock you down a few bars and through a whole new game at you.
Back to the moment, we have had very little that has made us uncomfortable or unhappy in anyway and we have faced it head on. It has made us stronger, as both individuals and as a couple because while we are working together on things, we are also discovering what works for each of us respectively. When we know how we each work, it is easier then, to help the other because we know what our strengths are and were our weaknesses lie, and how to use our differences to make something we could not have made on our own before. I am happy to be living on our own, away from my parents but still close, and also close to Eric's parents as well. We actually are almost completely in the middle between where our parents both live. 
I don't remember how much, or if I talked about them at all, but our animals have grown and shrunk and grown and shrunk again and again in numbers. If I at all talked about our cat, Simba, then there is sad news, but a ray of hope in it as well, possibly. But I will save that for another post.
As for the year between now and what I have caught you up so far to, there is not much to say for it. We worked, we did school. We even had some dark times for us personally. Four months after we were married, in early March of last year, I discovered I was pregnant. An overwhelming sense of shock, joy, and confusion came over me. This was it. New and uncharted territory. Now what? We had no plan and no insurance so down to social services it was. I was working very hard at my job and hoping for a promotion to a higher position with better pay so this came at a somewhat inopportune time.
Despite the better judgment of my peers, family, and myself, I pushed myself hard in order to be considered for this position. I cannot say as to what happened exactly, or the specific cause, but no less than a week later I was headed to the E.R. to confirm what I was already sure was true, I had miscarried. By the calculations the doctors use, I was between four and five weeks pregnant at the time of miscarriage. This is no consolation for me, as it was still painful and emotionally traumatizing to go through the roller-coaster ride from high to low to some semblance of equilibrium. 
My friends and family were all there to support me and help me through this time and I am grateful that they were. I was unsure of myself, and felt that I had been the one that brought this on. Later research of my own, and with Eric's help has led me to believe that although it may have been a chemical pregnancy (which gives no specific reason for a miscarriage other than incompatible chromosome line ups) I had possibly been pregnant with twins. I know, I know, this seems like crazy talk, you couldn't even tell at that point. But I read in many different places and heard from several people who have had, or were close to someone who had twins. The signs of pregnancy are increased and more sensitive for those who carry twins than single babies. I took a test at what would be considered three weeks pregnant and almost immediately knew I was pregnant. For most women who are pregnant, this is not possible until after a missed period, unless they use an extremely sensitive test. That was enough to convince me of that fact.
Still, with the loss of the baby so early on this opened me up to pursuing a promotion, which I accomplished. This was such good news it almost made me feel better about the situation, because this meant that I would be able to help bring us into a better situation and improve our financial standing. Since we had not yet moved out this seemed like the golden ticket on the Hogwarts Express to Narnia. For a little while I adjusted into my new position and felt that with some time, I would be able to perform tasks and complete what was expected of me with ease. I don't know if I was still reeling from the miscarriage or if I was just not fitting into the position they way I, and my superiors would have liked. I became frustrated and exhausted, and unsure of how to handle myself or those employees I was now in charge of to an extent. Customer problems were now my problems and I felt that I was losing grip of myself and everything that I understood to be true. In some ways, I was, but in others I was simply just not handling it well.
After moving into our own apartment I hardly ever saw Eric, aside from sleeping each night, which was limited to two days a week because he was still working overnight shifts. I wanted time to myself, time with him, and I wanted to feel like I wasn't going to fail in my schooling for lack of personal or study time. I had been written up because of trouble with the deposit slips I was supposed to fill out each night at closing. I have never claimed to be good at math, and heaven help me when I do need to take more math before my transfer units are complete, but I was doing something wrong. Eve with new techniques and tips, I still couldn't get it together and manage to do them right for more than one night a week. I was pressured by the expectation of a spotless store for the morning shift and to keep up with my tasks and customer problems as well as the other employees. I had never taken on so much responsibility at one time and I would be reluctant to do so again. I know myself and I know what I can attempt to do, but I cannot handle being two steps below management and the expectations set by company and crew, while maintaining relationships and school. I was given the choice to either step down into the position I had previously, or to carry out until I was written up again and had to be terminated for failing to change my behavior or the outcomes of my actions. I would not put myself into that position so I agreed to step down, but in doing so I was taking a hit to my pride. It shouldn't be important to me, but it is, and so after deciding to step down I chose to leave the company and do commission work for the newspaper.
At my parting I received a gift card, an orchid, and a card of sentiment stating that if I chose, I would be welcomed back whenever I wanted. I know that this is such a change of pace from a steady paying job, but the timing is flexible and I get time for homework and play and rest. It is not an easy job by any means, and can sometimes be just as time consuming as a normal job, but I am able to concentrate more fully on the things I must take care of day to day and week by week.
This has brought everyone up to speed so far as to our current situation for the most part. I plan to make another post next month with more detail about this past year, and include information about our animals and our schooling as well. I want to make a concerted effort to post something at least once a month, on no particular date, just whenever is possible, in order to keep myself in tune with writing, and to also keep my readers informed. I know some of you are friends of mine on Facebook, and will know what happens in between posts, but for those of you who are not, then I will write here, for you. I think that everything I have written thus far will suffice and I hope you all will have a good day, week, and rest of the month, what little is left of it. Be good and check back soon to keep me posting!

Writing and such

I don't know if I am really a good writer or if I can write at all, but I enjoy it and I've tried my hand at a few different styles. Mostly I like to write creatively and fiction at that. On that note, I made a fanfiction.com account last week and haven't put anything up yet because I have nothing to put up. I have never tried to write fan fiction so it is new territory for me and I'm not sure how well it will go. But for anyone interested I will post a link after I have written something and put it up. Let me know what you think of it and thank you for reading! =]

Catching up to do

There is certainly a lot of catching up for me to do. I have my room clean! And rearranged! I also cleaned my car today but that wasn't nearly has difficult as I thought it would be. The reptile collection is growing and Eric and I now have a business name (sort of, no license but a concept I suppose). We are: Lt. Dan's Creature Feature. You can find us on Facebook or shoot us an email at LtDansCreatureFeature@gmail.com. Finally we are getting something started that may make us so money on the side! I also applied and went into Quizno's to talk to the manager so I could have a better chance at a job. Hoping that pulls through. On the negative side, (I'm sure you all knew this was coming) I don't know what to do or how to feel about my parents right now.
My church has been putting together a new photo directory for the last week and our family appointment was on the first day and Eric's was immediately following ours. I being the insensitive genius that I am didn't think to ask if he could be part of our picture, seeing as we are getting married next year and, of course, that makes him part of the family. It got pointed out to me by Eric and I felt terrible because I didn't notice it at all and I feel like I should have noticed, said and done something about it until it was corrected. Now he will forever be emblazoned on photo paper alone, with my family all together and people will wonder if we were really together or if we were just close friends. It upsets me that in the process of this they didn't even offer to include him in the picture, let alone say "of course you're family!" to Eric. I realize it is useless for me to rant about this and not talk to them but I feel like they are trying to find any excuse they can to keep us from being together and to show everyone we know that this is in no way permanent. It is not happening. Myra is not getting married to a good Mormon boy who will always treat her right and will never hurt her in anyway and will always take care of her before himself. At least, that's what they try to put off. I don't know what is worse, my parents rejecting the idea of me getting married or Eric's parents treating me more like their own child than my parents do sometimes.

Wedding Bell Hell?

Trying to plan a wedding on virtually no budget and without much substantial help, i.e.; wedding planner, m.o.b./m.o.g., and only a maid of honor to really bounce ideas off of at the moment, is rather stressful and difficult for me. Granted, I have more than a year to pull this off, and by that time may have a job with which to contribute to the minimal budget, but still. It's hard. I don't mean to complain, I actually enjoy the process of it..what gets me is not being able to talk it over with anyone at all. 
I mean normally moms get excited for their daughters when they are getting married. They go all crazy and stuff with the planning and dress shopping, shoe shopping and what not. Not my mom. I get the feeling that she would be more enthusiastic if I said I wanted to marry a cat. Really, and actual cat, fur and all, instead of being at least happy for me that I've found someone I want to and can spend the rest of my life with. Is it too much to ask for her to be happy at least? Was it this hard for her when she got engaged and married? I mean honestly, it couldn't have been because even her grandma liked "Worm" which was my dad, Warren. She couldn't say his name correctly.
Anyway maybe I should get over myself and stop with the pity party and get to the being happy and care free? Or maybe I should wallow in my thoughts and emotions while I ponder deep things like the meaning of life, and why the sky is blue or grass is green. Perhaps I shouldn't even bother involving her, save for the fact that I love her, and I want her to be part of this happy time for me. I know growing up I've given her a lot of grief and misery in various times, formats, shapes, and colors, but we're family and family means that we'll always love and support each other right?
No matter what family is defined as anywhere, I feel like that is a true statement about what family should be like, whether or not you are related at all.
I guess what I am trying to get at is how hurt I feel that people I didn't even know until almost three years ago are more supportive of my relationship than my own family. My flesh and blood treat my engagement like a dirty family secret that shouldn't get brought up at all unless its for the bare minimum of details on the family, if it gets brought up at all. Eric's family would through a huge party for us if they had the money. I don't see how that makes any sense at all, that two families who love the separate parties involved can't even get together completely for even two hours. There is just something wrong with this. I know all weddings and marriages and mixed families don't always get along well, sometimes even at all, but shouldn't they at least try? My future mother in law is intimidated by my mom because my mom doesn't say much when she isn't comfortable/in a situation she feels in control of. My dad just doesn't want to get to know anybody at all, not even in my parents small group. He would rather stay home and play computer games or watch Netflix, which Eric pays for.
Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take living in a house with people who don't even appreciate what my fiance does. He may not do much but he does more than I do and that is a fact. He cooks and cleans when he can, and he pays for everything he uses. He sits and listens to everyone else complain about one thing or another and doesn't give input that makes anyone angry. I sit there and fume and do as I'm told because I am afraid that if I don't I will get us kicked out and without a place to stay. I am afraid to say what I think and feel, which is not like me at all. I am afraid to do those things because I don't like seeing the look on peoples faces when I talk about what they don't want to hear. What Eric did today. How crazy things got at work for him that night. What colors I should pick for the wedding. Who should be in the bridal party. What OUR plans are for school and what not. I can't say any of it because nobody wants to listen or care, or take the time to hear from me that no, I am not converting to anything at all anytime ever. But they all regal anyone who will listen about how stubborn I am and how bullheaded I can be, and how you can't make me do anything I don't want to and that if you tell me "no" I MAKE it a "yes". Can they not see the correlation between how I will and will not make my decisions and choices, and live my life? Or has age blinded them to the inferno that is my will and pride and stubbornness?

Not sure about what to do.

So for those of you who maybe haven't been keeping up with the Life & Times of Miss Myra Dawn, here are the quick facts you need to know: 1. I am still in college in SM, 2. I have been engaged since Christmas Eve of last year; 2011, 3. I am madly in love with my honey and can't imagine my life without him now. I think that pretty much covers the basics. Now for the details.
I'm not sure how many of you know this, but Eric and I have known each other since Junior High and although we did not always keep in touch throughout the years we hit it off in college and had a good friendship. Our friendship lasted about a year before we started to really get to know each other better, then we dated for a year and one month, at which point we became engaged. We've now been engaged for almost six months and we're hoping to plan the wedding for next June. The twenty-first to be exact. 
I know, I know, this is where most of you will begin to say slow down, and think a bit, hand US the reigns for a while and really try to understand what you're saying! But we are thinking about it and we understand the implications of our choices. We both know that it seems fast, and too soon, and do we really, REALLY know what we are getting ourselves into? To that I say both yes, and no. Yes we know what we are saying we want to to, and we know that it isn't easy, no matter how much you love each other or spend time together or talk or any of that. Lifetime commitment is difficult and trying and worth every tear shed, and every drop of sweat you put into it to make it work when it seems like it can't. And no we don't know what we're doing either. Who does? You can read every book in the world, but if you don't go out and find out for yourself, are you really gaining anything? If you don't risk things for knowledge or love or faith, how can you say that you have lived any kind of life at all?
I understand that we are young, have no clue about anything in the world, and will probably attempt to kill each other more than once over nothing because we were too tired, too stressed out, or not thinking clearly enough. I do that everyday at home with my family. The only difference here would be that we aren't related by blood. And really, don't you do the same thing to your friends, who are generally considered people you love and care about? I suppose that is beside the point though, because all the people that matter and want a say in it will tell me that we should wait, not to rush, we have our whole lives ahead of ourselves. I know that and Eric knows that, but sometimes life doesn't care if you are too young or too old, or have missed the only opportunity you will ever get for something, it just goes on unconcerned with what goes on in and around it because it simply is. I am envious of life and time because they have no worries or cares and there is nothing that constrians them at all.
I am sure that my parents, and grandparents, and everyone in my extended family, and people at church mean well and want the best for me but it is also my life, to do with what I will; whether that be making a career of saving animals or teaching students or running my own shop or writing novels, but I can also choose to do nothing, be nothing, and do what people who have no motivation do. I could get married or stay single, be a stay at home mom, or single mother, live off the government or become a junkie. I could travel the world and not tie down to anyone or anything, or I could become a missionary in the jungles of South America, or even become a famous artist in the music business. But I feel like I can't make any of those decisions without offending some number of people because I didn't listen or take their advice. And I don't think that I should feel that way when the people who make me feel that way are the ones I consider myself to have close relationships with. None of these people though, are outside of my family or soon to be family. Is it so wrong of me to want to make my own decisions even if they are foolish and might be wrong, or if they aren't wrong entirely, just a little bit senseless and made by a young woman still figure out her way in life? 
Maybe I am foolish and too young to be getting married next year, but it is my life and anyone that has tried to make me do anything I didn't want to knows that when I want something bad enough, or desperately enough it happens. Likewise with things I don't want to do. They just don't happen. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am trying to find the courage to tell my parents and those around me that this is what I want and they can either go along with it and support me, or gripe and complain the whole way while I drag them along the road. It's taken me a long time to get back to being that passionate and feisty young thing I used to be that could wreak havoc across an entire home in about ten minutes, but I'm coming back to it, because that is a part of me and who I am, and it will help me make the tough decisions I need to make for the next few years of my life. Hopefully I will have people who love and support me along the way because I know I will need it. Sorry to sound like a petty little girl trying to get her way, but thank you for reading and I hope you read again soon!

On Spring Cleaning and Other Such Stuff

I realize that I haven't posted anything for two months but I don't often get an urge to tell the world about my day, because it is usually the most boring thing you will ever read. That is beside the point though. Today I am going to talk about my room. I've cleaned it and I have a new bed (yay!!) but it still is not how I would like it to be, there is a lot of clutter that I can't get rid of because I have no place to filter any of it while I arrange and rearrange everything so I can utilize what little storage space I do have. What I mean to say is, I have no where to put most of my clothes because I have no where to put my stuff; knick knacks and dolls and stuffed animals and books that don't fit in my book case...things like that. And the topper on this cake? I could put a bunch of stuff in my closet in different ways (just look up closet storage and things like that) but I would need to take my doors off. My dad doesn't want me to take them off. I don't know why, but he said it was because we have no room to put them, I know that's a lie. Besides that I don't think he really wants me to be able to do anything useful with my room. Everything I want to do with it is nothing he wants to see done to it, so because I want to do it so desperately, I am not allowed. I don't see why I can't move my furniture around and maximize my closet space so that there is more space for me to work with in my room. I would be making something that I could be proud of for organization skills, decisiveness, creativity, and just that fact that I'm not complaining about not having anywhere to put my stuff. So it would make sense and seem reasonable to let me do that rather than listening to me complain and complain and complain right? Maybe I'm the only one that sees that so I'm talking to myself here, but couldn't I be on to something?

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-01-05/living/mhi.organize.your.closets_1_hangers-sweaters-closet?_s=PM:LIVING
http://www.myhomeideas.com/healthy-home/organizing-cleaning/how-to-organize-closet-10000001747241/

Nothing since January? Really?

Well that will not do. I cannot possibly have let myself go for so long without my connection to the other world that is the internet and telling absolutely everyone about all my problems. That is beside the point though, because I have some fabulously amazing news for you all.
Hopefully you all have some form of cable and are aware of what shows are on air right now and such. I have been watching NBC's The Voice for the last season and a half and have been encouraged to audition for a place in the blind auditions and I am going to do exactly that. On the 31st of March (the end of this month) Eric and I and one of his coworkers will be driving to L.A. to do the first round of auditions and I am very excited! Not only will we be doing that but in this upcoming week I will be on a local radio station for what I believe is an interview and a preview of my audition. 
How did I manage to land myself on the radio station you ask? Like this: Eric and I were driving to school this morning and I was in the passenger seat. On the radio comes this segment "Riddle Me This" and it asked what 3 in 10 people aged 25-35 have done or will do in the next year. Eric prompted me to call in and guess what it might be much to my displeasure. Despite my protesting I call in anyway and put forth the guess that they will get a tattoo. I guessed wrong but my answer segued into if I had a tattoo, what it was, and where. From that for those of you who know what my tattoo is and where you will find it amusing that I was asked if I was a musician. I am in a way but when I hear the word musician I do not assimilate it with someone who sings. I see them as a vocalist, still a musician, but not what I generally think of upon hearing the word. 
At telling the DJs that I sing they asked if I could sing them something and if I knew about The Voice and that they had some connections to one of the coaches and that they could possibly have an in for me in someway to a possible career (at least that was what I inferred from what I heard, not totally sure). Hearing that i said I would be going to L.A. at the end of the month for the first auditions and they said they would like to have me in the studio before (assuming) I become famous so they can have the "We knew here when" claim. I laughed and said of course I could come in and we set up an appointment to be on the show during the 8 o'clock hour. For those of you who would like to or can, you can listen in on 102.5 FM locally or tune in online at www.sunnycountry.com. I'll be on the Jay & Niki show and you'll get to hear me get all flustered and sing and be myself on the radio instead of just in person or on Facebook. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

Well, well, well.

For those of you who have not heard yet, yes, I am now engaged. I had planned on blogging about this all earlier but many a circumstance happened (as it always does when I actually get time to blog about anything since cracking my screen last year) and I was taken away from the page to rant and rave and cry about quite a few things. What those are you will surely find out if you keep reading. =]
First: on my engagement and surrounding stories. It was a rather out of the blue moment for me, where I knew something was happening but I wasn't quite sure of what. The day had started in my family getting together and going down for my cousin's birthday breakfast in Santa Barbara with Eric in tow, Eric and I in my car because he had said he wanted to go on a date in town after we had finished presents at my cousin's house. We didn't go on a date in town, though we got directions to State street and upon driving through realized how daffy it would have been to try and do anything even remotely un-stressful while there. So. We drove back up to Santa Maria and drove through town and at the Main Street exit I had to blindfold myself (I know right? Honestly...) while Eric drove me around to get a "turkey" for Christmas dinner for his mom as he had said. I didn't quite believe him, but being blindfolded and not wanting to ruin the surprise I made sure I really couldn't see. I believed we had turned into the Von's parking lot and that he actually had gotten a turkey. The parking lot in question had actually been for Rose of Sharon and after leaving with said "turkey" we went to the gas station on Main and Benwiley's and then proceeded to drive through town to confuse me and onto the northbound 101 on the Donovan on ramp. I guessed it had been that one though Eric lied and said that no, we were on the 1 north and not the 101 and because I only drive the 101 anywhere ever, I wasn't sure and so believed him that it just might have been an on ramp to the 1 north. 
By now I'm guessing that 1 or 101 we are going to Shell Beach and that we will just spend the afternoon watching the tide come in and collecting anything that looks interesting and somewhat different much like we did on our anniversary at Oceano Beach while collecting sand dollars of every size and color.
Well, while we're driving he asks if Pismo Beach is before or after Shell Beach, and now I'm completely confused and thinking maybe he is taking me to the Mothership for another piercing, or to get some new jewelery. I have no idea what is going on at all. So I slowly say "Well I think Pismo is before but I'm not sure..did you look at the signs?" I don't get much of a response but I figure it was something like "Oh yeah..uh okay. Um..well okay." We keep driving and finally we park and because I have a rather visual memory I was guessing that we were at Shell Beach. Eric stops the car and gets out then opens the door beside me and helps me out. I don't want to say that I have bad hearing, because I don't, I just rely entirely too much on my sight to really use my other senses without it. If I went blind I would be utterly useless. Anyway, Eric helps me out of the car and we walk (I'm still blindfolded mind you. Have been this whole time.) to the grass near the gazebo and Eric has me take off my blind fold. I didn't realize that at some point he had gotten the rose he had bought at Rose of Sharon out of the car and slipped the ring over the leaf stem but he had..and as I take off my blindfold and blink a few times to clear my vision, he takes the rose from behind his back and gives it to me.
Now I have to tell you, I'm not always the most observant but this time, seeing as I was rather deprived of my most useful sense, I was. I don't even gibe Eric time to ask the question, I just start tearing up and I jump towards him almost sending us both off the cliff just feet behind him and I can't help myself I just keep crying hysterically. It's not the kind of crying where your sad or your angry or anything like that, it's the happy, "I can't believe this is happening to me" or the "Extreme Home Makeover built me a new house!" kind of tears. The ones that you can't help but find cute, but you still wish you could stop because tears do not compute with what guys know how to deal with well. 
So without even a chance to breath let alone process we look at each other, grinning like fools and kiss. Then Eric slips the ring off the rose and onto my ring finger..on my right hand. I only notice this after we start walking towards the steps to the beach and I go to look at it and I don't see it on the correct hand. I laugh and ask if he meant to do that and he laughs nervously and admits he was nervous and didn't even realize he had done that. While we're walking towards the beach after putting the ring on the correct hand a lady in her car yells through the window "You two look good together!". We both blush and smile and thank her and keep walking our way. All in all we had a wonderful date together and it was one of the sweetest things Eric has done for me. And I know this is awfully forgetful of me, but did I mention this was Christmas Eve day? Well it was. Yes. And we told both our families the next day, since Eric spent the day with my family and I spent the evening with his family.
If that was a little difficult to follow I am sorry, I am not very good at narrating what goes on in my life, just reporting on it I suppose. And now it is almost time for school again. The job search continues. I am in a hopeful position where I may become employed at Motel 6 as a clerk (front desk) but my chances are slowly diminishing with each passing day. :( But alas, I am sure there is something out there I can do that will pay my something for showing up on time when it is that I get scheduled to work so long as I don't miss school. I think. If not, I can still move out then claim myself on all financial aid forms and be homeless and collecting money for school..or just stay poorly equiped for it because my family (whose tax information I am REQUIRED to use... >.<) makes too much money for me to get the state waiver for tuition and too much money for federal financial aid but doesn't make enough to put me through even community college full time. Is it just me or is there something perversely wrong about that?
In other news I read and finished a really great and amazing book today that I had been wanting to read since my mom picked it up. I read Heaven is For Real and I found it to be absolutely uplifting and emotionally captivating. I read through all 27 chapters and I laughed, I cried, I thought more than I normal do when I read anything, even nonfiction. This book is by far the best thing I have read because it is so raw and real and believable. Granted I know there are some who can read scientific fact and still say it isn't true. And that is fine, I just am happy to know I am more open minded than that. Reading everything in this book is a little bit out there for some but I think it is just what others need to get a grip on what really is going on, or how their life is really going. I really don't know what else to say but that you should read it because it is amazing and wonderful and I want to buy a copy of my own to lend out to friends because it is that good. Most of you who read this know I only buy books if I intend to keep them. So let that mean something to you, that I would want this book in my collection. On my shelf with all of my fiction and my dictionaries and thesauruses. In many languages. =] Yes. If  you want any info on the book you can look here: http://heavenisforreal.net/ or here: https://www.facebook.com/heavenisforreal or you can Google it and look for the nearest location to purchase it at to you. =] Enjoy and happy reading until I blog again!

Hmmmmm And a Matter of Displacement

The last few months, I guess six I'll say-just to cover it, have left me feeling sort of displaced and confused. I feel like I've lost my sense of time and of reality even. I guess I'm just sort of freaked out at how out of touch I feel because I almost never see my mom anymore. She's always so good about it and I know its hard for her too but I wish that there was some way to make this situation easier, and less like a bunch of children trying to run a boot camp for mentally challenged people. It's so frustrating having to give up my home life because a pair of 18 year old's think it's their right to go out every night until after two, leave a messy house and a sink full of dishes along with five kids and all their friends running around like hyper chickens with their heads cut off. But if I stay home and see my family and have a normal life, my boyfriend gets treated like shit by everyone but his aunt, and all the credit for everything he's done goes to the girls who stayed out all night partying for two weeks straight. And while his older brother is in and out of the picture, he isn't there often enough to be considered a real help at all. I also feel like if I don't come help him, he'll get yelled at for trying to have a life because he isn't allowed to have one because of these just turned adults who "know everything so shut the hell up Eric". I don't know what to do and everything I think of is too complicated or just doesn't work out and I think that I'm going to drive myself crazy trying to keep Eric from getting lied about and keep these kids in line. Honestly I need some help and  long week or two without them around while Eric's at my house doing normal people stuff. ~>.<~

A Whirlwind of a Time in the Middle of a Storm

Yes, yes, I know that it is quite an interesting title with an interesting story to match. The last few months have been all over the place and up and down in almost every way possible. I'm not even sure where to start but I've got plenty to write down.
Whew. So Eric finally moved out of Crystal's house and is back home as well as myself. This didn't happen under the best circumstances and in someways that is better than if it had been under the best of the best circumstances. Although everyone's views differ in some way or another it doesn't mean that there is no way to coexist peacefully or at least without major events that lead to contrition. Mine and Eric's belief is that Crystal and her family don't exactly believe that is worthwhile even though it is what they continually preach to the people they surround themselves with. They are not bad people, or inherently evil in anyway, far from it, but they themselves do not accept every possible alternative because they have become comfortable in the way that they live and are content in how they live because they are unchallenged and in some ways, stagnant; as I know I myself can be and am also stagnant. 
I say stagnant because I find no better word for it. They do not have people in their lives that are of a differing opinion to the frequency, at least that I have seen, that would challenge and initiate growth of the person that some people I know do. This doesn't mean that they are wrong, just that they are less willing to acknowledge differing views and opinions than those people who are continually flitting about people with different political, social, religious, and economic views than themselves. I know this really sounds like I'm going off, and maybe I am, but I feel like saying this because if you are truly accepting of the people who walk into your life you will try your best to understand their problems and shortcomings rather than try to rectify their specific issues that displease or upset you. 
Crystal and her mother didn't exactly give this courtesy to Eric for things he could not change about himself, having had some of these issues since birth, and I know Eric feels that they could have handled themselves better, but he also conceded to me that he could have dealt better with all situations that had occurred had they not been so pressing emotionally. Also while finishing moving out he was being harried for rent because he had promised it at one point in time that he did not realize he would not be able to accomplish due to circumstances with work. It was offensive to him and his mother, as well as me, to be sworn at on the phone because of things he couldn't control while he was still trying his hardest to fulfill his duties, despite his mother's differing opinion that he should take his things and leave without paying his last months rent. He did not pay full rent but paid more than half because he was so upset over the things that had occurred during that process and because the amount of food he was allotted was considerably less than the money he was putting for for it tied in with his rent. This upset Crystal and her mother, but nonetheless it is what happened and cannot be changed. 
Upon Eric's decision to move out and back home he asked me if I had wanted to salvage a relationship with Crystal and her mother, and I had said I did. Now I cannot in good faith say that, because as much as they supported Eric by giving him somewhere to live, they didn't understand his reasons for leaving either his home in the first place, and his leaving them at this point in time.  Crystal has been my friend since high school and I don't want to lose her in this manner, but I know that we are all different people and the people in our lives do not always stay forever, there a seasons for the Earth, and there a seasons for people too. Perhaps our season is ending, even as Eric's season in my life is just beginning, but I don't want to look on this time in my life as wasted, or a sour note in a beautiful symphony of life. I want to remember this as a sharp note that gives me something to think on from time to time, something to learn from and grow better I hope, instead of remain in my current state of mind from which I can not gain much more.
I do not mean to say that I do not want to be friends with her anymore, just that there are things that we both need to change about ourselves on our own time and in our own ways, without influencing or trying to dictate how the other should go. That is a difficult thing to do, much less to hear, read, or say to or from another person but it is, I believe, what needs to happen if things are to remain good between us. Aside from this I am listening to Eric, my father and my mother all talking about church and religion and politics and it has definitely made it difficult to concentrate on this. But it is also enlightening and makes me feel more at home than I have felt in quite awhile. 
For most of you who read my blog, you know that my boyfriend, Eric, is Mormon and that I myself am Presbyterian. This is a point of contention between our families and there is no easy way to go about anything to deal with this between Eric and my family, or vice versa. I know this puts me in a rather precarious position of my life considering where I am and what my own plans for my future are, as well as Eric's for his future, and how our parents feel or wish our futures, combined or otherwise, should go. So, as a person of faith and someone who generally is inquisitive, if you would, or feel compelled to, please give me your opinion on anything mentioned in this blog, or any others. Any/everybody is welcome to give input but please keep it relevant to this or my other blogs. Your words are much appreciated and thank you for bearing with me through my harebrained and difficult to understand posts. Hope to hear from some of you, and I will post again soon hopefully! Happy reading!